Tired but changes

I am exhausted. I worked 12 hours yesterday and 9 today... tomorrow I go back for more.
=( The powers that be are changing up the work hours and I am not sure what I think. The afternoon shift will end earlier but the am shift starts at 6am. I don't think I can swing that long-term very well. I am considering asking the medical director if they will let me work 2 12 hr shifts on Saturday and Sunday from 12p-12a. If I did 6 12's and then 1 evening per month, that would get me about 80 hours. I think that is sustainable for us. We are slowly going under with me working 10-11 shifts per month. T and I never have any time together, like a whole day off and we all don't have any family time. I wonder if the work folks will be interested in me working the 12's. My only hope is that the would rather work Sat and Sun am's and be off in the afternoons. My pro's are dependable, routine work hours for me, a weekend off every month, getting home after H is in bed (so my work smellies don't bother her) and so that I can quit doing these crazy Monday evenings. The con's are long shifts and being gone 2 evenings a week. I think the pro's are winning out for me right now. Will be emailing the scheduler this week to feel things out.

Thanks for listening and letting me get the thoughts "on paper."

For family news, H got her first "2 wheeler" today and she is so excited and nervous that it isn't even funny. She was crying, sad and nervous about it one moment and thrilled to have a big girl bike the next. Would be funny if it weren't my baby who is going to be 6 in several months. I can't believe she is such a big little girl. And I am so thankful that she is eating and happy most of the time.

Happy Sunday!

Too Much Work and other Ramblings

Whew! This is the first week that I have only worked 2 days in a while. I worked a lot over Christmas, picking up extra hours while T was off. It left me with very little time at home and then we were out of town at Christmas for 3 days.

H still hasn't gotten all of her presents but she doesn't know the difference. She got quite a bit and we all got to spend time with Nana, Pawpaw, Uncle Burt and Miss Tamar. She is used to not getting toys 'cause she can't have new ones. I remember my family just being together at holiday times and I remember *very* few of the presents at those holidays. Kids will remember the important stuff if that is what is taught to them. I want to teach H that Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for what God has blessed us with and Christmas is about God's precious gift to us. NOT about presents and how much does she get this time. Can you tell that I am passionate about this subject? ;)

This weekend as I was working, I just felt like I hit a wall. I am tired of not having any family time. Not sure what to do about this problem as if I don't work as much, T will still want to play that fool game online. One thing about me working is that he has to interact with H. If I am absent, he is the go-to parent. But since Thanksgiving, he has just been waiting until I get home from work and expecting me to cook supper, clean up and keep the food baked. I am about to volunteer to work evenings just to stop dealing with it. I am totally exhausted from getting up at 530a and working like crazy for a 9 hr shift. I just don't have the energy to come home, shower and stand up and cook. But, for H and I to eat, I have to do so.

Also, if I slow down on the working, we don't save as much. But I am truly struggling with God's sufficiency. Can God provide for us? How silly is that? God has truly sustained Hannah and I over the last 5.5 years in big obvious ways and I question his sufficiency? Will I ever learn? I spent our drive to Austin (going to Whole Foods) praying and being teary. After all I have been through in the last 5 years, why can I not trust more fully? I still struggle with trying to humanly arrange our lives. Truly laughable and yet I still continue to do it. I want to let go and trust but then I start with the "well, I will work a little more and save it" thing and it just rolls onward. I work between 90 and 100 hours monthly. T and I never have a day off at the same time. It really is hard and we have basically no family time. I would like to work 3 weekends a month, ultimately.

Another issue that is plaguing me is that we have been trying for 2 years to get pregnant again and a big NOTHING. Just like when we were trying for H. With my chemical issues, I don't want to go back and be injected with radioactive dye (HSG) to get pregnant. But I am almost there again. I really do want to have a baby but the work thing plays into this again. I can't work this much if we are going to have more children. So, it boils down to the fact that I need to trust God and work less. Not sure what to do about the baby thing... will keep praying for now. I just feel that I let T down 'cause I am so lacking in the bearing children catagory. And when I did have one, look how she turned out! A screaming miserable babe for 4 YEARS!!!

Sigh... can you tell that I have been bottling all this up?

Tired

Yikes! I have worked 7 days in the past 11 days. Sigh... what happened to my part-time job? T would say that I volunteered and he is right. He is off for a week and a half at Christmas and I chose to work extra. Hopefully the extra will go to the house savings account and not to pay for things. Time will tell. I always spend more than I intend to and end up saving less than I want as a result.

I just wanted to share my tiredness today. =)

Lovely Christmas

Christmas has come and gone this year. We had a lovely time visiting with the grandparents in Dallas. I worked all weekend and Christmas Eve. We had the beginning morning at home, had a stocking with small toys and ate breakfast. We had a marvelous

Christmas Eve

Christmas is here! I *love*love*love* Christmas time. I love getting to celebrate Jesus birthday. I love it finally getting cool/cold. I love getting to look for presents for each of my loved ones. I don't just go and buy things or gift cards. I spend hours looking for gifts that suit each person.

H and I were going to make necklaces for the grandmothers and my sister. I thought that I would let her string beads and be a part of the creative process. That was before my OCD nature took over and I hijacked the whole project. LOL We did make three necklaces and they all look beautiful, IMHO. ;) But I made them all, picked out the beads, spent hours stringing and re-stringing to get the look just right. It also made me realize that maybe I could do this from home and make a bit of money on it. I can't get it all together for this year (2007) but hope to take pictures of the necklaces and use them as a starter gallery. I don't want anything big and elaborate, just something little on the side to eliminate a shift from working outside the house. The problem is that I make a nice living outside the house so earning enough from a few necklaces will be nearly impossible. Sigh... a girl can dream!

We are going to see the grandparents tomorrow for Christmas and H is more excited about that than getting presents. She has a bike, helmet and pads in the garage (from Gran and Poppy) as well as Playmobil stuff from us. Gran and Poppy also got T and I a Wii for Christmas so she will get such a kick out of that. I just got her some playsilks, doll diapers and the Playmobil stuff since she will get such big things from other people. She is so easily overwhelmed that I would prefer to keep it simple from us. We will probably even wait until we return home to open many of the presents. Certainly will wait on the bike and the Wii! Who could open those and then leave them at home to go to the grandparents. We will just have stockings in the morning and then hit the road. She is so excited to see Nana and PawPaw. I also plan on reading the Christmas story before we leave. I really want to keep our hearts in the right place in what we choose celebrate.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Lights

Our neighbors across the street have had their lights up for about 3 weeks. They put them up every year and they are nice, just some net lights on the bushes, candles in the windows and wreaths. Nothing overdone or overwhelming just simple and beautiful. Our house has no electrical outlets on the outside of the house... NOT A ONE! We do have a pair of outlets in the garage that we could use one of to have lights but it would be pitiful as I shouldn't overwhelm one outlet with 16 strands of lights. So, needless to say, we have never used lights outside. This year H is wanting to decorate... she is old enough, understands and wants to participate. So I broke down and went to Walmart at 530am one morning before work to check out the selection of Christmas decorations. I bought plastic (shatterproof) *big* ornaments and some big candy canes to stick in the grass. We had such a marvelous time decorating the yard on Monday. =D H even said that she liked our tree ornaments and the candy canes better than lights. LOL It also gave us a chance to talk about what a candy cane means (origins) and that I think the lights symbolize Jesus coming to be the light of our world.

We went looking at Christmas lights last night. T wasn't playing on-line and H and I wanted to go with him and not just by ourselves. T and I decided that we like all white lights better than a bunch of multi-colors. Hannah got tired earlier than we thought she would. We ended up coming home at about 740p. All through the shower and she collapsed in sleep on me about 2 minutes after I got out of the shower. T and I finished watching the Mormon Tabernacle Choir special that was on. It was lovely to listen to and H even enjoyed it too. She watched about 30 minutes of it before she fell asleep. It was a nice evening.

I am attempting to wash and soak the doll diapers that I got for her as well as our new Christmas stockings. We also had to go to Whole Foods and so between the grocery store, playgroup, the light looking and the soaking and washing stuff... she has had a tough couple days. I am attempting to lay low today to give her a chance to detox in case we have playgroup tomorrow. Hopefully all will go well and safely today!

A cold and misty day in December

Well, today is 42 degrees and wet. Not really raining, just misting enough to make your hair and clothes damp when you walk the dog. =) Amy enjoyed the walk though. H & I needed to get out of the house. It has been such a lovely fall that we spend most afternoons outside all afternoon. I have gotten spoiled.

We went with T yesterday to pick up the ground beef and steaks, then drove over to Whole Foods and picked up more food and came home. It is easy enough to buy meat for several weeks but the veggies just don't last that long. I end up having to go to WF again or order from Diamond Organics. The ordering costs more (I think) 'cause I have to pay FedEx charges but it keeps us out of the car and the store.

Just another day in the life!