My heart hurts so much - the end

Tomorrow G starts her Neocate trial. I have been trying desperately to keep her nursing for weeks. About a week ago, she stopped staying latched on when I was sitting in my rocking chair. So I have been walking and pacing the floor and nursing her. At the end of last week, she started struggling even more. Today, the only feeding that we had that didn't end up with a bottle was tonight while she was asleep. I feel and think that she deserves a Neocate trial to see if she does better with that than breastmilk.

And she was so peaceful tonight. God is so gracious to give me one last precious feeding tonight. And she finished with a sigh and just unlatched, full and asleep. All the feedings today and yesterday, she would unlatch crying and unfulfilled because reflux (or something equally miserable) dictates that she cannot stay latched on. She can half nurse a bottle and it doesn't require nearly the effort and she doesn't even have to truly latch to the bottle to get sustenance.

I have been dreading this for weeks and have fought with every fiber of my being to keep breastfeeding her. I have reached my end several times in these weeks and God has provided ways to keep her feeding - walking, feeding sleepy. But I really feel that the time has come since she cannot stay latched on to me. I think that if I am going to pump and feed her that she deserves a trial of Neocate and thus, we will start tomorrow.

But my heart aches and cries out to feed my baby... God, please help me to let go and allow you alone to provide for G. God, please provide sustenance for my soul and comfort for my wounded heart. Please, please be here for me and listen to the cry of my heart. Collect the hot tears rolling down my face and use this for your glory and your gain...

The Daily Struggle

Somehow my little girl knows when I need her to get up and eat... I am supposed to go to work this afternoon. G has slept longer than 45 minutes for the first time in 2.5 days. How does she know that I needed her to wake up and eat on time?

Nana came this week for a couple days and we had a nice visit. It is sad to me that she has to sleep on the couch even though we have a spare room. But the spare room is filled with paper and boxes and even just opening and closing the door will make G sick. Much less if Nana slept in there and then held G. This chemical sensitivity crap really stinks.

Healing

It has been 4 months since Amy died. I still miss her every day. But I am so glad that she is not lonely outside since G has been born. I have left her inside water bowl out because I just can't bear to put it away. Today I am washing it and putting it in the cabinet. I still miss her so much but the hurt isn't as fresh as it was. And the memories are priceless.

I love you AmyDog!

Growing Baby and other stories

G had a 3 month well child check yesterday. We don't immunize so I saw no reason to take her in at 2 months. She is 12 pounds 2 ounces and 23 inches long (and some pocket change). So even though she has started refusing to eat and screaming sometimes, she is growing.

It has gotten to be fall and has been raining the last couple days. That is nice as people don't mow when it is raining. But then they all mow after the rain because the grass grows. G gets so miserable when people mow as the reflux flares up badly, even when we are in the house and they are mowing outside. I am just praying for wisdom with how to deal with the level of sensitivity that we have been thrown back into. It is frustrating to H that we have to stay inside much of the time. She doesn't remember being this sensitive but it sure brings back sad and hard memories for me. I am hoping that we can deal with G's issues much more quickly than we did with H. The reflux is just so so bad that we cannot go without the PPI or she wouldn't eat much at all. I struggled mightly to get enough calories into H to keep her growing but she wasn't really ever happy due to the discomfort of the reflux. G has many happy moments and is starting to coo and interact and it is lovely. Though it makes me sad on those days when she is so miserable that she won't even make eye contact much.

I have really been dealing with being anxious and afraid. A dear friend sent me a link to Max Lucado's new book FEARLESS. It touched my heart and reminded me to look for God's direction (not my own strength) and to remember that Jesus repeatedly told his disciples (and us) "Do not be afraid!"

I am clinging Lord... help me to hang on to your promises and not to my feeble fear!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. " John 14:27

Difficult day

Today has been tough. The little girl has had a hard couple days. She refused to eat this morning and just cried on and off for about 2 hours. That is the first time that she has done that. H used to do that frequently but G hasn't totally refused for 2 hours. She did eat the rest of the day though so she isn't starving. Everyone around us seems to have done yard work this weekend. One of the closest neighbors mowed her yard this afternoon so tonight was difficult again but at least G ate. But she won't sleep now... crying again. Last night she had lots of trouble going to sleep, difficult day today and now difficulty going to sleep. God give us mercy tonight so that she (and we) can rest.

Not too many smiles this weekend at this house.

Giggles

The little girl giggled tonight. She has given us beautiful smiles for weeks now but tonight she truly giggled for the first time. AND she did it several times. Praise God for a happy girl some of the time. He is good no matter what but not much better than little girl arms around your neck or little girl giggles and smiles. How much HE must love us!

First Day of School

I didn't get a picture but today was the first day of co-op for us this school year. H has been doing school work on and off all summer since I was so lazy while pregnant. But today, we had literature class and science at co-op. She enjoyed herself greatly and I taught her literature class. That reminds me, I need to order a couple of art supply things for class. We were in a hurry to get to the co-op this morning and I forgot to stop and take a picture of her. But shorts, t-shirt and crocs were the dress this morning. LOL Crocs for everything for this girl!