Joy in the circumstances

This is hard. The nausea doesn't leave. The only thing keeping me from curling into a ball and staying there is H. And she is trying to be patient but gets frustrated at our lack of ability to do anything. I even feel so bad and cold that I just don't want to sit in the yard. =(

And it has been cold here, below freezing for a couple of days. So we are holed up in the house, making each other crazy. Thank goodness that this year we can wash A, the precious bassett, and bring her in. When it stays below 40 degrees, I am bringing her in. H chases her around the house. It is almost comical to have a bassett hide under the kitchen table because it is her "refuge." H isn't allowed to chase her out from under the table - my rules to protect the dog.

So, I am trying to be thankful and joyful that we are still pregnant - though I truly feel horrific most of the time. H is having to settle for reading more and playing with said bassett. Sigh... Such a short time to endure but boy is this really hard on me and on her. T is even washing dishes every evening as I can't stand the soft or greasy feeling on my hands. And I *can't* stand ground beef. Eating bits of chicken and bison and lots of beans. Ah well, I just hope we can find joy in the circumstances...

Overwhelming Nausea

So much nausea that I cry... and it is all day sickness. =( I keep praying that God will give me the grace to endure this. It was easier when pregnant w/ H cause I could eat whatever I wanted. Now I can't eat potato or tortilla or cheese or rice. Sometimes I just cry because I am so hungry and nauseated. Nothing sounds good. Nothing that I can eat, that is...

To whom much is given...

I have news! 2 weeks ago, I had a positive pregnancy test to confirm what I had been hoping. We are thrilled to be pregnant and I am nervous and shellshocked. I had totally made my piece that we were a only child family. I didn't even get emotional while waiting for af last cycle. I had many prayer conversations with God, asking for peace and grace. God has a sense of humor after all these months.

We are 6 weeks pregnant and just like with H, the all day nausea started during week 5. I am nauseated all day. I force myself to eat but the nausea remains. I miss potatoes, tortillas and butter *right now!* When pregnant with H, I just ate whatever sounded edible. But being GF, DF, EF and lots of other things free, my options are very limited. So I am struggling.

We actually told H last night because she was asking what was wrong with me. =) I guess she is more observant that I thought. Also, I don't/can't go walking every morning or even go outside sometimes. The nausea is overwhelming and nasty. But I am thankful that I don't throw up. Yet.

We thank God for our wonderful gift of hope and a new life!

Sadness and Thankfulness

Several things have happened since I last posted. H and I were driving home from getting ground beef and hit some sort of animal on the road. By the grace of God, we stayed on the road and made it home. Then I noticed that fluid pouring from the underside of the vehicle. And the front underside of the car was bent, cracked and torn up. So, into the shop the car went for 2 weeks. Sigh... Then, this last Friday, I was in a hurry to get going to work. Left the keys in the car and it rolled down the driveway and hit me and the garage door. Cost: $450 to repaint the car, $200+ to fix the garage door, priceless lesson to remember to slow down and do things the right way. So the car is in the shop again this week.

In September, I was so hopeful about being pregnant. It is crazy that I keep hoping. But somehow I do. I am trying daily to give to God whole issue of another child: if we do have one, timing, health issues, money, etc. But I was really heartbroken when I wasn't pregnant. There are so many good things for us just having one child. But my heart just cries because I would love another child. It is also hard for me at work to see people with children that they don't take care of or really don't want to have. We would love another one and just aren't getting pregnant. But I have to cling to the knowledge that God's ways are higher and (much more) perfect than my ways. He sees the whole of eternity stretched out and knows what will bring him more glory. Being shaped into Jesus' image is so painful, since there is so much shaping to be done.

The world events are just a bit crazy right now as well. I am so glad that we don't have tons of debt and we just fill up the cars and go to work. I think of all the stressed out people in our country and our world and it is scary to me. I am praying for Jesus' return to bring all this crazy-ness to a close. Most days I am ready to spend the rest of eternity praising God... but that is my job here on earth too.

To God be the glory!

Summer is cooling off

September is always the herald of the end of summer misery here in Texas. I have a birthday at the beginning of September (more on that in a bit) and it is usually still in the 100's. But this week, the second week in September, we are only hitting the mid to high 90's. Whooooo! Still humid and muggy but less hot overall.

I am suffering from a total lack of motivation. I can hardly keep up with the cooking, supper is always late and I am struggling to get the housework done. I think that some of this has to do with my sadness at not being pregnant. I really would like to have another baby and we decided to do the HSG in May this year. Got it done and still nothing... still ovulating but no BFP (as my TTC friends would say). I spend about half my time feeling ok about having an only child and then the days come where I mourn the loss of our dream of another child. I am still praying daily that God's will be done in that area of our lives and that I can accept his perfect decision. But I have to accept it daily (sometimes more) as the want is still here.

I turned 35 last Friday. I don't feel much older than a year or so ago but I feel so tired all the time - see above paragraph. I am not managing to get H out in her wading pool. We spend lots of time with her on her trampoline or swinging and me camped out in a chair with the knitting or just watching. Going outside keeps her from watching TV but it doesn't get any housework or baking done. But her being busy instead of veg-ing in front of the TV is worth it.

We went to Gran and Poppy's house today and spend about 5 hours in their back yard. H had a great time running with the neighbor puppy. We also walked over and fed carrots to the mules in the pasture. Gran and Poppy are so kind as to keep a bag of carrots for us. =) We had a great time and got to spend time with the grandparents. We are glad they are home from Arizona and hopefully they are too.

And lastly, my knitting is progressing. I am fixin' to start attempting to make hats for H and T. The pattern is for an adventurous beginner... beginner I am, not so sure about adventurous. LOL Here is the link with a picture of a finished hat.

http://hyenacart.com/prod_details.php?id=77537&vid=57

Time will tell how I do with it. ;) They are both excited about the hat and I would like to see if I can really do this. I would love to be able to knit from home and not work so much. But I make too much $$ with the professional job. So will just keep at the evening and weekend work and knit for fun.

Too tired to post

Yep, just what the title says. I am too tired to type out my thoughts. And many times my thoughts are conflicted and complicated. So I am having trouble typing things out "on paper" right now. We are still here, I am just struggling.

Sadness

My mom called Monday evening and my sister is going through a miscarriage. I am so sad for them. They have been married for 11 years and have been busy being pastor/pastor's wife and devoting their lives to that. My mom was excited to be a grandma again, H was going to be a cousin for the first time, I would get to be an aunt...

I am also sad that my sister has to go through the physical and emotional pain of losing a child. I can't imagine how much that hurts. I have had a couple days to think about this. I grieve the loss of what could have been with our last 2.5 years of trying to get pregnant. I think that the grieving would be more intense because there is actually a loss of a little person. At least we just haven't been able to get pregnant. I can't imagine the grief and loss of a child. This verse has been rolling around my head and I sent it to her last night...

"He (God) said to me, 'My grace IS sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Gives new perspective on my strengths and weaknesses...