Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas

Don't know if I will have time to post tomorrow...

I am so thankful for my God who promises that nothing can separate me from himself. my husband who loves me and doesn't leave even when things are really hard. my precious girls who are such a blessing to us. my warm, dry house. plenty of food that is safe for us to eat. plenty of Neocate. warm dry beds with blankets. precious snuggles and sleep with Skunk for the second half of the night.

I miss my hounder. going to the grocery store. my hounder. sleeping through the night. my hounder. eating whenever I want. my hounder. going to work. my precious, sweet hounder.

insert *silent tears of joy and sorrow* here.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Poor baby girl. This new electronic crap has sent her to a very bad place. The new washer smells *horrid* and I have no choice. Thank goodness the laundry room can be closed off (mostly) and there is an air filter in there. But if I turn on the heat, Skunk refluxes worse than ever and doesn't sleep, oh, and she poops all the time too. I guess that is better than the miserable constipation? I don't know but this chemical sensitivity stuff is killing me and her right now. I can't wash - diapers, clothes, washies... you name it. So I have huge piles of clothing, sheets and I am washing diapers by hand in the bath tub. This whole situation is just too complicated. I can't seem to shake wanting to make things better for the girls but it means that we go to great and sometimes ridiculous lengths here at home just to try and keep them eating and sleeping. Please God, help me to endure. I just can't seem to stand and am just crawling along right now. If I didn't have to function for them, I think I would just curl into a ball and stay. I am just that overwhelmed.

Psalm 13 fits again...

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord, my God. Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death;

My enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I WILL sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Survived Family

Well, the family gathering Sunday went very well. Both girls struggled but we survived and even slept a little bit. =) Skunk woke up at 555a and wouldn't go back to sleep this morning. Not surprising since she took the chemical beating yesterday.

Saturday night I got home from work and started laundry. My 14 year old washing machine let out a terrible thump while spinning and dumped all the water in the tub onto the laundry room floor. So, yesterday after the family gathering, I went to Sears and bought a new washing machine - to go with the new dryer that has been airing out in our garage for about a year. *ironic laughter* Fourteen years is pretty good for the pair. But it made me realize how much I rely on my washing machine and dryer. I do between two and four loads of laundry each evening. Cloth diapering Bear got me in the habit of doing laundry each evening and now I am diapering Skunk. So I have a huge pile of diapers, clothes, kitchen towels and some sheets. Hope that washer doesn't smell bad for long!

Got cereal and muffin cake baked this morning as well - right before the delivery man brought the washer. Tonight I was so crazy that I cooked brussel sprouts. There are many things that make Skunk sick - cooking smelly stuff is one of them and now I am totally nervous that I have put myself in for an awful night. I am praying that somehow we sleep, even if it is together on the couch. Sigh... why did I do that?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Cold in Texas

It has been too cold here to be outside. That is pretty rare for us down here. The last week the temps haven't gotten much out of the 40's during the day. Since we can't wear our coats outside (gets the car and who knows what else smell on our clothes) we are wearing our home jackets or sweatshirts only and it is pretty chilly. So we go outside in the afternoon for about 30 minutes and come back in when our noses are frozen. =)

T and I went and looked at 2 houses yesterday. The location of the first was great - up on a hill, cow grazing country that is too hilly to farm - but the house left something to be desired in how the rooms were distributed through the house. The second house was fabulous but is on 5 acres surrounded by plowed fields. =( We just can't live some place like that. I so wish that we could move the house onto the hilltop. Wishful thinking but it makes me sad. This is why we will have to build something. But that will take us longer to accomplish. Sigh...

Skunk is reacting the last couple days and spit up this afternoon. She is mostly cheerful but just can't sleep much and has eczema on her nose and right cheek. And we have to have Christmas with T's family on Sunday. We won't stay long and I probably won't even let others hold her which will cause strife all by itself. Maybe I should just stay home and piss everyone off and be done with it.

I hate being chemically sensitive!

*cries softly to myself*

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Knitting for the Big Girl

My big girl (Bear) has learned to knit on a lucet. I bought one to knit i-cords on since I *hate* knitting i-cords. I am so impressed with how easy it is to make a cord. And Bear loves to get to knit like mommy does. She is making a garland for our Christmas tree.

Isn't she so wonderful? I am so proud of her for sitting and working so hard on her project. *beaming mommy here*

Sunday, November 29, 2009


We survived another holiday. Holidays tend to be pretty stinky around here. The expectation is to get together with family and/or friends and that makes my girls feel bad to be around lots of people. So we have to hibernate on holidays and it makes my heart sad.

We bought a turkey breast for the three of us and it was delicious. But I figured out that just turning the oven on makes Skunk sick. I haven't cleaned the oven in years (REALLY) and all the baked on stuff makes her react. So even if the baking of chicken or crackers doesn't bother her, the grime on the inside of the oven causes a reaction. So I have started scrubbing but I have to open the window and do it. This sensitivity stuff is just more than I can bear right now. I am praying frequently that God will allow Skunk to survive until I can get her gut treated and then that he will help her to heal. I can't feed my family because it makes my baby sick. This is so hard and miserable.

Only God is wise enough and powerful enough to help us through this misery. Please God, please be here and hold me. I just can't do this on my own. Help me to endure and be able to praise you in the midst of the storm of my life.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Decision Made

God is so gracious... as if I could doubt it. I have been seeing a few nursing home patients in the last 6 months to make ends meet while on maternity leave. I didn't know if I would like it enough to continue once I got back to the ED swing of things. Well, I don't like it. The little old people are nice enough and I do like them. But I don't like the environment of ordering tests and not getting lab back, not being able to care for patients like I want to and the general institutional feel of many of the homes. Yesterday my supervising doc called and we visited. He is frustrated with the local homes here and is going to drop the few he has here. (He is based out of about 40 miles away.) So I have my easy out of leaving the nursing home business without just quitting. I am so relieved. I have been struggling to work my shift at the ED and then on Sundays I have to spend the afternoon seeing NH patients instead of at home with my family. Thank you Lord for providing for us and then getting me out of what I don't like doing. =)

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Ups and Downs

We continue to have ups and downs here. I have been slack about posting. Skunk is doing decently on Neocate but it is not the answer to all our difficulties by any means. The only thing it accomplishes is that I am out of the loop on causing her to react. But she doesn't get as many calories as she cannot tolerate a typical amount of Neocate. But it will sustain her and let her grow. I continue to make a daily effort at being thankful. I told Bear today that she wasn't as stable as Skunk is now until she was 4 years old. It took us that long to unwind and unravel all her triggers and problems. With God's help, Skunk hopefully will be better off and Bear can continue to heal.

I am back at work in the ED and loving it. We have quite a few more people working than when I left so getting enough shifts is actually a problem. I had to talk to our managing doc and let him know that I need 4-5 shifts a month. He is going to work with me and see if we can keep me working. I love the ED work so much more than the nursing homes. I am going to attempt to keep seeing nursing home patients at least until April and make sure that things are working out in the ED.

Skunk is not sleeping well enough for me to work later night shifts and still get some sleep. She is very typically up about 430 or 5am and she and I walk the floor and then sometimes I can go back to sleep on the couch with her on my chest. Sometimes I can't go back to sleep so I walk or rock in the rocker and pray. Sure has gone a long way to keeping me humble and before my Lord. Ironic... ;) God uses our precious little ones to draw us to himself in so many ways.

I will leave you with a picture of my life's work... to God be the glory, great things HE has done!

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

How long, O Lord?

Well, Skunk has been on Neocate for about 4 weeks. She has steadily been declining back to screaming and not sleeping. So she does eat and then starts screaming at us again. I am so frustrated, angry, disappointed, you name it. This just stinks. There are no other words to describe having to walk the floor while your baby screams and screams and apparently hurts or feels bad and you can't change it one iota. I am so glad that I didn't know that the next baby would be the same as the first. I seriously don't think I would have done this again if I had known. My life is not sleeping, carrying a baby, hands and wrists hurting from holding and mind rolling and raving - trying to figure out what in the name of heaven is hurting my baby.

My hope is nothing less than eternity and the saving blood of Jesus Christ. King David said it better than I ever could:

Psalm 13

1How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dress up

When you are almost 4 months old, you don't usually play dress up. Unless you have a seven year old sister who loves to wrap in playsilks. ;)

But then you get tired of being covered and tied up and you start to get fussy...

and the jig is up.

Boy, is my baby cute or what? ;)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Hard Weekend

T had to mow yesterday. We have avoided this like the plague since Skunk was born because of how badly Bear used to react to our yard being mowed. And true to form, we had night waking and a difficult day today. Poor baby!

Bear and I went driving and exploring today by ourselves. She and I haven't been anywhere together since Skunk was born. Today we went driving and found a housing development and walked and drove around. We packed our lunch and had a lovely picnic, just us two. I miss her so much. I am glad that she and I had seven years together before we had another screamer. I so badly want to be in a tight house with a wonderful filtering HVAC system but that costs lots of money. I just don't want to be in debt to our eyeballs and me have to go to work all the time. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. But thank goodness this one is paid for! At least we don't have to consider making the house payment on this one. Praise God!

I am still sad about not feeding Skunk but I am also continuing to try and see how beneficial Neocate is for her. She was struggling so much with being breastfed. This is better for her but it is emotionally difficult for me. I miss that sweet connection but it had become a fight to get her to eat. I need to remember that when I get sad. Thanks be to God for providing for my girls!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Just Sad

My dreams are broken for Skunk... I didn't want to do this. I just wanted a baby who could go outside and wasn't so bloomin' chemically sensitive. I wanted to feed my baby myself and not from a bottle. Guess I am not in control, am I? Back to read Job again...

Someone I knew online several years ago had a quote in her siggy - "when something is wrong with my baby, something is wrong with me." I feel so sad that Skunk has to suffer and be so sensitive. There is quite a bit rattling around in my head... the death of a dream, the daily struggle to keep her eating and sleeping, the great lengths that we have to go to in order to keep our girls healthy. No McDonald's or frozen foods or the easy way out for us. I am thankful that God has given them to us so that we can take care of them though. I wonder what other kids do whose parents don't figure out the chemical side of things. I am thankful for a husband who listens to my crazy ideas and jumps through crazy hoops to keep our girls healthy and mostly happy. I just wish, hope and pray that someday we can help them to heal so that they don't have to struggle so much.

Please God... hear the cry of my heart and help my girls

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Bit Better

Today is two weeks since Skunk started Neocate. I am still sad but am not crying all day like I was at first. I am trying to focus on the fact that she is so much better off. She can eat and not scream... mostly. She can sleep... mostly. I am not feeling like everything that I breathe or eat or do is causing my baby to react. But I am sad still, even though feeding her had become a struggle. We do snuggle and feed her with a bottle but it just isn't the same for me. But I prayed and asked God to give me the grace to accept what is best for Skunk and this is the best right now. My sadness will become less fresh.

This last weekend, one of our neighbors sprayed their yard with weed killer or fertilizer or pesticide. Bear threw up Saturday morning from the reflux and Skunk hasn't been eating or sleeping well for the week since their exposure. It is hard to go back to the reacting, not sleeping and screaming misery. But at least with time, the symptoms get better. Today, Skunk has just gotten back to being able to sleep for more than 45 minutes during her daytime naps. Poor baby! This is why we need to be on acreage in the country, far from people. I am still praying that God will provide what and where my girls need.

An exciting answer to prayer is that with my parents help, we paid off our house last week! We are so excited to not owe anyone anything in this whole world. It is a good feeling. Someday we might be back in the mortgage arena but it is nice to be able to save for a safer place for the girls and for us.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Happy Birthday to my patient DH


thank you for loving me when I am unloveable. I love you and hope you enjoyed your supper, even if it was plain and simple. Thank you for staying with us even when life is filled with screaming and crying - theirs and mine.

I. love. you. forever.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Struggling with Angry

I know that I shouldn't be angry and maybe it is more frustration than anger. I think that this is just part of my grieving process overall. I had so hoped and prayed that we wouldn't have to have such a sensitive little one again. God has said NO! and I feel frustrated, angry and guilty all mixed up.

I had so hoped and prayed that if I was careful about food and exposures that I could have a happy and breastfed baby. I am so, so, so sad that I can't feed Skunk. We gave her a bath this morning and while I was drying her off and getting her dressed, she was laying in my arms like she did when she nursed. She opened her mouth and I just broke down. I don't want to have to limit her Neocate intake. I don't want her to be fed Neocate at all. But the choice is terrible. She struggles to eat and the reflux is much worse on breastmilk. I cry off and on through the day. I am mean to my husband and Bear because I am so sad. I don't want to be thinking about how to pay for Neocate when all I want is to feed my baby.

I don't want to be like this... I want to be thankful and prayerful, tender and loving.

Please God, shape my heart and make me more like yourself. I don't like me right now, how can anyone else like me either? Please help me God!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


I am striving to be thankful and grateful...

for God's merciful and gracious gift of Jesus and his sacrifice
for 2 precious daughters
for 1 patient husband
for Neocate to feed Skunk
for chickpea flour, peaches, chicken, beef and more for Bear
for work for my husband
for our home
for enough to provide for my children that they don't want for anything
for precious little girl arms that wrap around my neck
for early morning feedings and snuggles

I will be thankful! Praise God, Jehovah Jireh - he provides!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Still Grieving

I have been crying again today. I am limiting my milk making and I cry every time I use my breastpump. My heart is crying today with the rain. I fed G (Skunk) at 10am and for some reason, my body decided that my milk wanted to let down as well. It is such a sad feeling. I will never again have the sweet primal pleasure of feeding one of my babies. *tears falling* I remember struggling so much when I weaned H (Bear) as well. Somehow feeding my girls should mean breastfeeding them and that is not what is best for my girls. And it makes my heart sad.

The book of Job is such a comfort to me. Job was able to say "The LORD gives and the LORD takes away, blessed be the name of the LORD." Right now I am striving to praise God in my grief. He has provided for Skunk so that she doesn't have to be as miserable as Bear was. Skunk is happy, smiling and interactive. I am thankful that God has provided a way for my precious girl to be fed, even if it is not my body feeding her. I get cuddles and snuggles from her since she is not reacting (at least all the time) and feeding her from a bottle is not the physical writhing battle that breastfeeding had become.

Lord, I am so thankful that you are Jehovah Jireh, our provider. You are gracious and patient when I am not grateful. You collect my tears, comfort my heart and carry me through the dark valleys.

He Is (sung by Mark Schultz)

He lives
He loves
He’s always with me

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
Through every fear
And every doubt
And every tear I shed
Down every road
I’m not alone
No matter where I am
He is
He was
And He always will be

You alone are God, you alone are my significance and sustenance.

Blessed be the name of the LORD.

Friday, October 09, 2009


I know that I have been posting a lot about crying over not feeding G but my heart just hurts. It truly is a grieving process for me. I have thought since H that if I could just alter my diet and avoid most chemical stuff that I could successfully breastfeed. I make tons of milk but my girls are so sensitive chemically that breastmilk is not the best for them. It pains me so much. I cry multiple times a day and hug G. I cry for the hours that H had to cry and be miserable because we just didn't know. Then I remind myself that He ALONE is God and in control. It is so hard to forgive oneself... and to let go of the illusion of control. God is unwrapping my fingers from a clenched position. I am not in control of anything but my own response to God's gentle teaching and lessons.

Many days I am like an Israelite... wandering, disbelieving, unfaithful. God speaks to me through this verse (among many):

God told the Israelites "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Neocate Baby, Grieving Mum

G has taken to Neocate and is drinking it without complaint. But then again, she can't complain. ;) So far, she is eating much more peacefully and is able to down her bottles. She is only on about 1/2 strength as we are on day 2. She still reacts to things in our environment - stupid mum opening cabinet doors with G in the sling, baking cereal, mowing. But each feeding is not the battle that it had become and I am so thankful. I have been able to eat cereal, chicken, peach and enjoy lunches with Hannah again. Though it does make me sad that G is so sensitive. I am trying to focus on the things God has given me to be thankful for instead of borrowing trouble and worry from tomorrow.

That is all for now from here...

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

My heart hurts so much - the end

Tomorrow G starts her Neocate trial. I have been trying desperately to keep her nursing for weeks. About a week ago, she stopped staying latched on when I was sitting in my rocking chair. So I have been walking and pacing the floor and nursing her. At the end of last week, she started struggling even more. Today, the only feeding that we had that didn't end up with a bottle was tonight while she was asleep. I feel and think that she deserves a Neocate trial to see if she does better with that than breastmilk.

And she was so peaceful tonight. God is so gracious to give me one last precious feeding tonight. And she finished with a sigh and just unlatched, full and asleep. All the feedings today and yesterday, she would unlatch crying and unfulfilled because reflux (or something equally miserable) dictates that she cannot stay latched on. She can half nurse a bottle and it doesn't require nearly the effort and she doesn't even have to truly latch to the bottle to get sustenance.

I have been dreading this for weeks and have fought with every fiber of my being to keep breastfeeding her. I have reached my end several times in these weeks and God has provided ways to keep her feeding - walking, feeding sleepy. But I really feel that the time has come since she cannot stay latched on to me. I think that if I am going to pump and feed her that she deserves a trial of Neocate and thus, we will start tomorrow.

But my heart aches and cries out to feed my baby... God, please help me to let go and allow you alone to provide for G. God, please provide sustenance for my soul and comfort for my wounded heart. Please, please be here for me and listen to the cry of my heart. Collect the hot tears rolling down my face and use this for your glory and your gain...

Friday, October 02, 2009

The Daily Struggle

Somehow my little girl knows when I need her to get up and eat... I am supposed to go to work this afternoon. G has slept longer than 45 minutes for the first time in 2.5 days. How does she know that I needed her to wake up and eat on time?

Nana came this week for a couple days and we had a nice visit. It is sad to me that she has to sleep on the couch even though we have a spare room. But the spare room is filled with paper and boxes and even just opening and closing the door will make G sick. Much less if Nana slept in there and then held G. This chemical sensitivity crap really stinks.

Monday, September 28, 2009


It has been 4 months since Amy died. I still miss her every day. But I am so glad that she is not lonely outside since G has been born. I have left her inside water bowl out because I just can't bear to put it away. Today I am washing it and putting it in the cabinet. I still miss her so much but the hurt isn't as fresh as it was. And the memories are priceless.

I love you AmyDog!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Growing Baby and other stories

G had a 3 month well child check yesterday. We don't immunize so I saw no reason to take her in at 2 months. She is 12 pounds 2 ounces and 23 inches long (and some pocket change). So even though she has started refusing to eat and screaming sometimes, she is growing.

It has gotten to be fall and has been raining the last couple days. That is nice as people don't mow when it is raining. But then they all mow after the rain because the grass grows. G gets so miserable when people mow as the reflux flares up badly, even when we are in the house and they are mowing outside. I am just praying for wisdom with how to deal with the level of sensitivity that we have been thrown back into. It is frustrating to H that we have to stay inside much of the time. She doesn't remember being this sensitive but it sure brings back sad and hard memories for me. I am hoping that we can deal with G's issues much more quickly than we did with H. The reflux is just so so bad that we cannot go without the PPI or she wouldn't eat much at all. I struggled mightly to get enough calories into H to keep her growing but she wasn't really ever happy due to the discomfort of the reflux. G has many happy moments and is starting to coo and interact and it is lovely. Though it makes me sad on those days when she is so miserable that she won't even make eye contact much.

I have really been dealing with being anxious and afraid. A dear friend sent me a link to Max Lucado's new book FEARLESS. It touched my heart and reminded me to look for God's direction (not my own strength) and to remember that Jesus repeatedly told his disciples (and us) "Do not be afraid!"

I am clinging Lord... help me to hang on to your promises and not to my feeble fear!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. " John 14:27

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Difficult day

Today has been tough. The little girl has had a hard couple days. She refused to eat this morning and just cried on and off for about 2 hours. That is the first time that she has done that. H used to do that frequently but G hasn't totally refused for 2 hours. She did eat the rest of the day though so she isn't starving. Everyone around us seems to have done yard work this weekend. One of the closest neighbors mowed her yard this afternoon so tonight was difficult again but at least G ate. But she won't sleep now... crying again. Last night she had lots of trouble going to sleep, difficult day today and now difficulty going to sleep. God give us mercy tonight so that she (and we) can rest.

Not too many smiles this weekend at this house.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


The little girl giggled tonight. She has given us beautiful smiles for weeks now but tonight she truly giggled for the first time. AND she did it several times. Praise God for a happy girl some of the time. He is good no matter what but not much better than little girl arms around your neck or little girl giggles and smiles. How much HE must love us!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

First Day of School

I didn't get a picture but today was the first day of co-op for us this school year. H has been doing school work on and off all summer since I was so lazy while pregnant. But today, we had literature class and science at co-op. She enjoyed herself greatly and I taught her literature class. That reminds me, I need to order a couple of art supply things for class. We were in a hurry to get to the co-op this morning and I forgot to stop and take a picture of her. But shorts, t-shirt and crocs were the dress this morning. LOL Crocs for everything for this girl!

Thursday, August 27, 2009


God promises that his word will never return void... I am having a wadded, upset, frustrated morning. So, I am making Hannah's worksheet for school, including her copy work. And what does God lead me to but Psalm 23...

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside the still waters, HE RESTORES MY SOUL. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name sake. Psalm 23:1-3

I needed to hear those words from my shepherd this morning. G continues to struggle along. Our neighbors have all mowed in the last 2 days, I keep making mistakes and causing G misery and H is frustrated with our lack of ability to do anything. But God promises that he can restore my soul. Even when my life is stormy and yucky, he leads me beside the still waters and I do not *want* for anything. *tears*

This Casting Crowns song brings me to tears every time. It is so much my life the last seven years. God brings the rain in my life to bear fruit but it hurts so much to be worked on by God. But he never, ever leaves me!

I will praise you in this Storm

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth


Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Amazing... G is not quite 2 months old and we can see what normal is for her. H never reached normal until about 4 years of age! I am not saying that I have a normal baby or that she doesn't react to many, many things. But I have times that she is happy, smiling and sleeping. Granted, she reacts more than she is normal right now. Praise God that G can be happy and smile-y! It also makes those days that she is miserable difficult as I know what she should be like. But I am so counting my blessings that she is more healthy than H ever was at this age.

On that note, I tried brown rice this morning (I ate it, not G) and we will see what happens. My diet is so so limited that I need to do something about it. But it is hard when G reacts when the neighbors mow or T eats smelly chips or I cut open a paper bag of flour... Please God, give us wisdom to know...

(making the verse personal)

Trust in the Lord with all (my) heart and lean not on (my) own understanding. In all (my) ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct (my) paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Giving Thanks

I love to frequent the message boards on I love to cloth diaper my girls from hyenacart. Of course, one doesn't wear diapers anymore. Three mamas in the last 2 months have lost babies - two died in childbirth and one died in utero at 37 weeks. I read those threads and my heart just cries out for these mamas. Even though G screams and cries (like she is doing right now), I do get to hold and feed my baby. These mamas have empty arms that ache. I cannot imagine the pain. As difficult as it is to have my baby scream a fair amount of the day and have her only sleep in my sling while she is upright on me, I have a baby. I am reminded to thank God for the precious blessing of G, even though life has become difficult and painful again.

When H was so sick in 2005, I would listen to "Held" by Natalie Grant and cry rivers of tears. I am crying rivers again, grieving my loss of a "normal" infant. But God is faithful and holds me through it all... I never walk alone and frequently he carries me when I can no longer crawl along.


Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

Monday, August 17, 2009

Praise God for Friends

My dear far-away friend Amy sent me a devotional that so applies to my life. This is from Sarah Young's book Jesus Calling...

"COME TO ME when you are weak and weary. Rest snugly in My everlasting arms. I do not despise your weakness, weakness stirs up My compassion-My yearning to help. Accept yourself in your weariness, knowing that I understand how difficult your journey has been.
Do not compare yourself with others, who seem to skip along their life-paths with ease. Their journeys have been different from yours, and I have gifted them with abundant energy. I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My presence. Accept this gift as a sacred treasure: delicate, yet glowing with brilliant Light. Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it."

Scriptures for today :Isaiah 42:3; Isaiah 54:10; Romans 8:26

My friend says "It's hard to think of the complexity of our lives as a gift, isn't it? It hardly seems fair. I don't understand it." And boy, do she and I have complicated lives!

But 5 days ago Sarah Young wrote,

"UNDERSTANDING will never bring you Peace. That's why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Me (your Master)."

I struggle with wanting the understanding and searching for the why. I do it at work, I do it at home with my girls. I want to understand all the why's. God is asking me to trust in him and lean not on my own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5-6) I need to trust moment by moment and not look at this afternoon or tomorrow.

Another scripture that this devo brought to mind is II Corinthians 12:9 - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in (your) weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I need to thank God for my weaknesses because he shows his awesome power in and through me in these times when I am at the end of myself.

Thank you God for your faithfulness and your provision of encouraging friends in my desert!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Lovely Day

Well, we had a lovely day with the new girlie. She slept, she ate, she smiled and flirted. Tonight, something happened and the happy girl is gone. She is back to arm waving, fussing, not sleeping, not latching on to feed and is spitting up. It is so hard to have my happy girl just disappear and not know why. But at least she is happy sometimes. It was so wonderful to have her sleep and play today. Of course, I can't go a whole day without messing it up and causing her difficulty at least once.

Sure hope we sleep tonight somehow.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

So frustrating

Yesterday during the day was a dream. G slept, she was happy and smiley though she struggled to eat. She basically cried all evening though. Today is the opposite. Starting early, she has been fussy, startles easily, lots of arm waving and basically no napping. She slept for 45 minutes all morning and just finished a very fitful nap on me this afternoon of 1.5 hours. She is crying in her bed as she was screaming and wiggling on me while I was walking the floor with her. I can't change my diet (such that it is) or broaden it out as she never gets stable enough for me to try anything. I don't want to wean her to Neocate but emotionally and physically I can't take a whole lot more. I have used the pump twice today as she is struggling to eat and I want to keep up my supply just in case I have to pump and feed her EBM. This just is so difficult. I have cried and prayed today again. God has me prostrate on my face before his throne again, this time for G. H is struggling with behavior today as I am again walking the floor and not able to play or give her much attention. Something has to give. I am trying to rest in the knowledge that God has a plan for us and I have to let go of the illusion of control - not much illusion left, let me tell you. I can't even help my youngest daughter to be happy at 6 weeks of age. I feel like a failure as a mother.

*tears of sorrow*

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The girl can't sleep

It is 1205am and the new girl can't sleep. She is struggling so much. We had a good day with naps and some decent feeding. Then had a chemical issue tonight and she can't sleep. I expect that we will be up until about 2am. We got up at 620 this morning and I am just bushed. I spent the nap times today playing, pretending and snuggling with H. We even had a thunderstorm this afternoon and H and I went outside to see the rain. H tripped and fell and scraped up her hands, knee and her hip. She had a dress on and since she was running, the dress flew up and her right hip got scraped. Poor girl! Then the crap hit the fan with little one and I am just tired. H and T have gotten in bed and left me with a fussing, refluxing baby. Lovely to be the mom, isn't it?

I also wanted to share the nickname for this little one. We have lots of animal names that we call her so we rolled them all into one and call her "skunky grub hawk" LOL She sounds like a hawk when she is tired and crying, like right now. As a matter of fact, she has worn herself out and I think she is asleep on her quilt. So I am going to lay on the couch and see if I can get some rest.

Hope someone else is getting sleep out there as I sure am not!

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Still Screaming

Sigh... the new girl is a screamer too. *and* she only takes naps in my sling when I am walking and wearing it. So far she is still feeding as well. So she eats, screams and sleeps sometimes. That is my life right now and will be for a good while.

I am ready for it to cool off so we can spend time outside. She is much happier outside but it is just too hot. Only a month and a half and things will cool off! That is just too long to think about with a screaming girl.

My old prayer has returned - Please God make my back strong and my heart merciful to deal with my daughter. *sob*

Sunday, July 26, 2009


Well, the new girl is sleeping now. The last 2 days she has taken an afternoon nap and then cried off and on from 1830 to midnight. The evenings are so long when she won't settle. I want so badly to have a good breastfeeding relationship this time around but it is such a struggle. In theory, it sounds so much easier to put her on Neocate and let me eat whatever I can eat. We had just gotten to the point that we could open up the food gates and mine have closed down. =( I tend to blame everything on what I eat and pass along to her. But I have also realized that she has many of the same chemical issues that H and I have. She reacts to perfumes, soaps, food smells, etc. Rotten genes, I guess.

Just an update from this corner. And the new girl's name is G, by the way!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Another Screamer

Well, true to form, our second daughter is a screamer as well. I won't be posting much as she is not sleeping well, wants to eat a lot (unless she is refluxing and refusing to eat) and always wants to be held. She seems to have some of the same issues that H and I have and has the dreaded GI reflux as well. So, don't look for posts as frequently from this corner of the world.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

So much for July 10th

Baby Rutledge wasn't waiting for July 10th. Labor began at 9pm-ish on June 29th, 2009. Our second daughter was born at 1:07am on June 30th, 2009. So without further delay...

Monday, June 29, 2009

I am an ant! LOL

Well, not really an ant but an aunt. My sister had an emergency c-section on 6-26 and has a little boy. None of our siblings had any children so this is the first time we are Aunt E and Uncle T! How fun! He is doing well. Still in NICU and on O2 but not on a vent. I wish I was closer to them (they are in Miami) so I could help her with the medical stuff. It is so overwhelming to be a new mom and then to be thrown into an unfamiliar but important medical situation like that. My mom and dad flew there to be supportive and help and I am so glad that they could. A girl needs her mom with a first baby, especially in something like this.

Our baby is still snuggled up inside. =) I am so pregnant... H was 37.5 weeks so at 38.5 I feel huge. My ribs are sore, I pee all the time and I eat small meals. =D All totally normal for this time in pregnancy. I also started reading Ina May Gaskin's book on childbirth. I am so steeped in fearful traditional medicine in regards to delivery that it is refreshing to have "natural" childbirth re-affirmed. I do hope that this little one comes by next weekend. Even this weekend would be fine - though it is the 4th of July on Saturday!

I went and made rounds this morning early at Crestview and boy, the housekeeper did a number on me. Whatever she used just put me over the edge. I had awful belly pain, gut cramping, headachey and exhausted. Going in the evening doesn't work well at that home so I was hoping mornings would be better. It is except for the cleaning. The other home in Temple does fine with me coming in the evenings. I need to be able to do the rounds when T can be home but too many evenings is hard on family time. Ah... lose your weekends or lose your evenings - takes your pick!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Mask Tutorial

This is for a far away friend... sorry to have been so long in getting these to you.

This is the carbon insert. You can either hand stitch the depth smaller or do it on a sewing machine. It just decreases the depth of the filter. You can trim off the excess from between the serging and the alteration stitching and it will fit better in the shell of the mask.

Above is the shell of the mask and I turned it inside out. Then I stitched by hand to make the depth smaller for smaller faces. I didn't do it on a sewing machine because of the metal nose piece. If you break that metal piece by folding it back and forth, the mask doesn't fit *nearly* as well.

Below is where I took in the mask to make the sides shorter and alter the depth further. I didn't do these tucks (on either side) in the first 2 masks and they would fall down on H's face. Just make a small tuck (3-5mm) on either side of the mask where the metal nose piece ends. This helps fit so much. Then all you have left is to take in the elastic and trim the ends. Hope this helps and, again, sorry to be later than intended in posting.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Rolling right along

Yes, that was meant to mean that I feel like I am rolling/waddling back and forth some days. We are 37 weeks tomorrow and this baby is right up there. =) I am so thankful to be pregnant and feeling the kicks and pushes. All seemed fine at our MW appt this week. I started having braxton hicks on Monday (6-15). It freaked me out so much that I started washing diapers and got out the pack-n-play for the baby to sleep in. Now the pack-n-play is in the middle of the living room since we need to shift our room around but at least we are more ready. Babies need food, diapers and a place to sleep. We have all those covered. H was early and I was totally unprepared. I can't do that again this time with our chemical issues so now I feel better. I am not really nesting, just trying not to be desperate. ;)

Working the nursing home patients and the ED is wearing me out. This weekend is my last scheduled one at the ED and I am so glad. I would be worried about calling in and leaving the schedule uncovered if I had scheduled myself any shifts farther out. I will continue to do the nursing home rounds until this little one comes. I plan to bow out for several weeks but hopefully I can have most of the monthly visits done so that phone calls are mostly what are needed. I just can't see myself leaving an EBF baby for 3 hours at a week or two of age. Not that T can't handle just about anything (cause he does such a great job with things around here). I just don't want to ask him to and I won't want to leave. So things are winding down and I am trying to get the few things settled around here. We are going to do a shelf for H's room this weekend so that we can put her toys and clothes on the shelf instead of stacked up on her dresser surface.

Hope we get all this done! Probably will as this little one will probably be really comfortable in there and stay longer than I want. ;) God's timing is perfect... not mine. (must keep repeating that)

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Girlie's Birthday!

Today is my girlie's birthday! God has blessed us with 7 years with her. I am so thankful that the last 2-3 have been so much better. We have been on Fiona's program for 23 months and have seen such progress. I broke the rules and started H on food trialing 4 weeks early. I chose a food with a low allergy number for her. She has been trialing peach for a week now. She is loving it and is up to 80ish grams without any trouble. I have cut back on the strawberries the last 2 days and peach has gone much better. She is eating a small peach off the pit and loves it. =) She had a dentist appointment this morning (she loves the dentist) and then we came home and took a walk. She was up "at 5 something" due to excitement and I was up at 6 so we had quiet room time from 1-2p today. We are now baking birthday cakes in the shape of sunflowers and will have those with T tonight. She wants bison and fried okra for supper so that is what we will have. She will also open her presents tonight after T gets home. So I will try and post pictures later this evening.

This weekend was hard for me. I just dreaded knowing that Amy had been gone for a whole week. I worked Fri, Sat and Sun for the last time before the baby. Each evening when I came home, I went out and sat with Amy and cried. There are lots of times that I need "dog therapy" but when I come home from work was one that was very typical. After a really busy shift, there is something wonderful about sitting with Amy and just having her head pushed up against me. She loved just being together and loving.

H is having a hard time with being outside playing w/o Amy. It is also getting pretty hot so I am not pushing the issue right now. I am hot even with being inside, in front of the fan. My belly is getting tight this week and I am getting lots of knees, feet and bottom pushing out. =) This baby is up higher than Hannah got. I am getting kicked in the ribs but not painfully. I have to sit up straight to be comfortable and absolutely cannot lay on my back without being uncomfortable.

Off to finish the cakes and work on supper. Look for those pictures!

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

June 3, 1995

Well, today is our anniversary. We have been married 14 years. Lots of ups and downs in those years so far. Whoever coined the term "wedded bliss" is either a liar or wasn't married. LOL Marriage is lots of hard work and loving each other when neither of you deserves it. I am so glad that T is my husband. He is truly my best friend and the only person who mostly "gets" who I am. But neither of us is perfect and there are times where I would like a few hours away. Mostly though I would like a few hours away with him. Between both of us working different hours, the girlie and the computer... I feel that we don't see each other as much as I would like. I think that is a stage in marriage that goes along with having kids though.

I am still pretty heartbroken about Amy. I cry multiple times a day. I haven't taken a nap in 3 days because she had been in the habit of coming in my room with me and napping on the floor by our bed. I just can't face being alone at naptime right now. And it helps me to sleep hard at night because I am so tired. I still can't look out the back door into her room. I think that I hear her collar jingle outside and think that we should go get her and let her in to be with us. I miss feeding and watering her every day. She was such a part of my life for 9 years that I am just wounded. I don't know how long it will hurt like this. I may have an Amy sized hole in my heart for the rest of my life. At least there will be a scar there. Right now the wound is so fresh and open that functioning around here is difficult. She was truly a part of our family and everything around the house, yard and neighborhood reminds me of her. I was driving home from a nursing home today and started crying because the drive home was part of our walking route with her. The hole in my heart is weeping... I love you so much Amy Dog! I love this quote and it is now painful... rather appropriate for an anniversary and grieving a death today.

"Dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, love like you have never been hurt"

Monday, June 01, 2009

And the day after

My beloved basset hound got sick this weekend. She was not tolerating fluids or eating starting on Saturday afternoon. Last night, we went to the emergency vet clinic. A compassionate and kind vet (a gift from God) found out that she had a huge tumor in her belly and it was pressing on her stomach and intestines. We had her put to sleep at the vet last night and I have just basically cried since then. She went downhill in the span of 24 hours. We just couldn't watch her suffer and struggle to breath and not be able to drink any longer.

She is/was my first child, cuddled me through infertility twice, loved me even when I couldn't spend nearly enough time with her due to dd's extreme illness one summer. She is the doggy love of my life and to lose her is so painful. I have been dreading losing her but was praying that we would have more time with her. We had her for nine years and she was the best dog.

Amy spent all day with H and I since we homeschool. Words cannot express how much my heart is aching. Everywhere I look in the house and out are reminders of her. We are going to bury her when T gets home this afternoon. I have spent the morning crying and dd has as well. I miss her so much, her sweet kind spirit lying next to me on my feet as I sit. How much can a mama cry? I was up most of the night, just unable to sleep. Sad because Amy isn't really home anymore. Somehow I am not even very tired today, even on 4-5 hours of sleep. I knew that I would miss her but this is just so so hard.

Sunday, May 31, 2009


My heart is broken. I can't record my thoughts other than to cry and mourn. I want to pour out my heart here but it hurts too much yet. I love my Amy dog and will miss her for the rest of my life. Nothing or no one can ever replace her unconditional love and acceptance of me.

*sobs from a broken heart*

Amy is sick

Today is Sunday and my precious hounder has been laying around (more than normal) for the last 24 hours. She will get up and walk but has to be really encouraged to do so. We keep offering water and she will drink. She hasn't eaten since Friday (almost 2 days). I love her so much and I am not ready to lose her. I am praying that we can keep her hydrated until we can take her to her vet on Monday. She is such a good girl and is 9 years old. I hope we have some good years with her ahead.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Update here

Saturday (May 16th) H lost her first tooth. That lower front incisor had been hanging there for about a day. But she didn't want us to pull it. We kept reassuring her that it takes longer than a day for a tooth to get loose enough to fall out. I was at work but T says that she came into the kitchen giggling, tooth in hand. So the "tooth fairy" visited and left her money, 50 cents! She was very pleased and I was pleased to get by with 50 cents.

And Little One is getting tighter and tighter in it's quarters. I feel as though I have a watermelon on my front. I am still struggling mightly with leg cramps. This is probably something that I will just have to endure the rest of the pregnancy. But the kicks and turns are well worth it. I can't turn over in bed easily any more (for about the last week). We had a midwife appointment yesterday and everything continues to look good. Head down, heartbeat good, mom tired... ;)

I am working on finishing Nana's Christmas present. I would like to get Gran's made though H wants to make her a bracelet, not a scarf and earwarmer. Maybe we will do a scarf and bracelet combo?

I have to work this weekend but T and I have Monday off together. Then I have the last weekend in May off. I am going to meet Kathy Kirk and start nursing home work tomorrow. The only thing I don't have is a beeper. Somehow have to get my hands on one this week! I don't want those people to have my home or cell numbers. Must do the beeper! I am praying that the NH works out so that we can have Sundays to be home together. And it will fill in the gap for not working 8+ shifts a month. Though it does mean that I have to make phone calls daily and find time for visits during the week. Again, I am praying both for stamina and wisdom.

Off to bed for me!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Finally happened

H just told me (as she is trying to eat rutabaga) that she thinks her tooth is loose. And sure enough, she has her first loose tooth! She has been praying and wanting a loose tooth and what does she do? Starts crying! ROFL What a funny girl! My baby isn't baby-like anymore. *sniff* I am sure that when she does lose it, there will be even more crying though.

I survived my second to last 3 day weekend. I haven't been taking bicarb after working since it makes my leg cramps worse. But I have been struggling hard with recovering after work. So Saturday and Sunday, I did the bicarb. I felt much better the day after but the leg cramps are bad. I think I prefer leg cramps to how I feel post chemical exposure. But I woke four times with leg cramps, the last time was pretty bad - calf, foot and front of my leg were cramping up. That front muscle cramping just does me in, it hurts so bad.

I also got this awful thing taken off my nose this morning. It even looks better with stitches in there, rather than the big bulbous purple granuloma. It is achey and hurtful but I am so glad that it is gone.

It is room time and I am tired after working all weekend. H isn't excited about room time though. ;)

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Can't sleep

Torture! I woke up at 356am this morning and haven't been able to go back to sleep. It is 504am right now. I laid in bed until 445am and was so hungry that I had to come and eat something. So a piece of cereal and a glass of water later... I will have to pee so bad in an hour since I drank water. Ah, the life of a pregnant woman! ;)

We are going to Whole Foods this morning. I wish I could sleep but I think that I just have lots whirling through my brain. T and I were talking about the nursing home NP work last night. I just don't know what to do. It will cost about $2500 to start up as an independent contractor with the bulk of that cost as the liability insurance. I don't know if I am going to like the work... but work is work. I can do it for 6-12 months to make sure we make money on the deal and then stop if it isn't working for us. But I also want his input on spending that much money at the start of this. We really do need that 2 grand for stuff around here. If I start in a week or so, I can start billing and make back that money before maternity leave in July. Just lots to ponder! I keep praying that God will throw roadblocks in my way if I am not to do the NH work. I wonder if the start up cost is not a roadblock. Or at least enough of a speedbump to warn me off. I do so much better with shorter shifts of 4-6 hours with a baby at home. Committing to 10-11 hours at the ED is almost more than I can deal with.

Ah, now can you see why I am awake and cannot sleep! Since I am not hungry anymore, I am going back to bed to see if I can fall back asleep. Praying usually will put me to sleep as well! Off to talk!

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Another 3 day weekend DONE!

Tonight is Sunday and I have worked the last 3 days. Tired isn't the word, exhausted/wrung out/done is more my status tonight. The weekend wasn't bad, just lots of work for a pregnant lady. I did wear my support stockings all three days though and I think that helped my feet a ton. I have another three day weekend next weekend and then only the Sat/Sun combos left this month. I am so relieved. Back when I signed up for these longer weekends, it was ok and even worth it to have the last weekend of the month off. Now I am just tired. But the money will come in handy for maternity leave and for buying bedding for the kiddos. *giggle* kiddos! Amazing to think that we will soon have two children.

Speaking of that, this little one has been flipping and moving today. I love, love that feeling. Nothing reassures this mom more than those pushes, flutters and turns. But my bladder doesn't always do so well. ;)

Today, H and T made a trip to Gran and Poppy's. They seemed to have a great time and H was so tired that she fell asleep on the couch before I even got home at 745p tonight. She and T watched Lilo & Stitch on Friday (stayed up til 10p) and then was up until 915p last night. So she was tired already and then to run around and play at the grandparents just pushed her to tiredness. She doesn't sleep late so she didn't catch up the last 2 mornings on sleep. So she crashed tonight.

This house is pretty messy. She and I desperately need to fold clothes as no one has any underwear folded anymore. We have clean, just in the big pile in the laundry basket. Ooops! We also need to sweep and cook tomorrow as there are no chippies or veggies in reserve. And we have a end of school party on Tuesday with a midwife appt in the afternoon. Thank goodness that we school at home and I don't have to run her to school every morning. I enjoy our more leisurely pace of being at home and just hanging together and playing outside.

I did more knitting last week but haven't finished the scarf I started. I need to post progress pics though. It is really pretty and the colorway is Selkie - black, purple, blue and green. Just beautiful!

I am off to brush my teeth and fall into bed. Sweet dreams to me!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Another Week

We made the weekend of driving and swapping the child out. T and I weren't home but for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday. But I got up and started the washer both days, can't do that when H is home due to the soap not agreeing with her. Got lots of laundry done, got her closet cleaned out, got her chest of drawers put in the clean closet and got the hand-me-downs sorted into plastic boxes and labeled. I also have gotten the diapers in larger containers and found that I do have lots of things for this little one. We should be set for diapers until about the medium/large size. That is a good thing.

I also found a pattern for a sweater that will serve as a jacket for H. It should be suitable for a beginner, though I am not a novice knitter. I am nervous about a whole sweater but she keeps having to take her coat with her places when it is just chilly. So, maybe if I start on this sweater before Little One makes an appearance, I will have a prayer of finishing before next November. LOL This is the jacket but for kids, not babies. I actually bought the pattern for baby, child and adult so maybe... nah, just attempt the one for H and don't hope for any more. ;)

We also should be getting the baby mattress next week in the mail. I need to spend some time online tomorrow looking at fabric for H's new sheets as well as ordering the dustmite cover for the baby bed. Thank goodness we still have our crib and won't be needing any other furniture. The money is running out (or that is the way it feels). At least I won't be buying more diapers - at least in theory. =D

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Picture of my Two Legged One

I have needed a couple of recent pics of H to show off to people. So here are some precious ones lately! I love my girlie!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Tired today

Today is Wednesday and we didn't have to go anywhere. I wanted to stay home and bake chippies and fry chicken tonight. H and I are headed to Dallas tomorrow to leave her with my folks for the weekend. We will go to Whole Foods Friday so we got to stay home today. We spent a chunk of the morning playing outside with the Easter gifts and also a couple hours out this afternoon. Somehow, with all the staying home, I am so tired. T has a party that is all afternoon and evening on Saturday and it will be easier to have H with the grandparents than to juggle schedules. And I can clean out her closet and some of the drawers in her room without making her sick. I do have to work as well so it won't be a lot of work around here done but anything is better than nothing. Hopefully I will make some progress on the room to make it more ready for baby and H. Maybe I can get some laundry done on Saturday and Sunday mornings as well. I have lots of diapers to wash and just can't get them done in the evenings with all the "regular" laundry to be done.

We had our first midwife appt yesterday and it went fine. I am so steeped in traditional medicine that even though I don't want their approach, I am afraid of the alternatives. Crazy, I know! Traditional medicine has done nothing for us except make fun of our problems and make things worse. But it is what I know and understand, there is a comfort zone there. I don't want to be treated as a high risk OB patient because I am not. But there is no middle ground... either we do the hospital birth and fight/argue about what we don't want them to do to us or we go the birthing center route and takes our chances. Midwives are actually safer and provide great care, as good as the OB/Gyn stats for most women. So here I am, talking to myself about all this again. Just be done with it and stop chewing over the decision!

I am going to start the washer again and go off to bed!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Kicking above the Belly Button

This morning, while in my rocking chair trying to wake up, I got kicked above the belly button for the first time with this babe. I am feeling full of baby and pregnant the last several weeks. I ordered our baby mattress Friday evening so hopefully we will have that in the next couple weeks to set out in the garage. I am nervous about putting it in the room with Hannah. But she wants her own mattress and I had to explain that we can't afford to do that right now. She is ok on her bed the way it is for right now. Now I just need to order fabric for sheets and puddle pads. Poor Nana... maybe I should talk to her and ask if I just need to order pre-made ones.

This weekend at work seemed to go well. I love these 2 day work weekends. Much, much easier on me than the 3 days in a row. Somehow I can keep food up for 2 days but 3 days gone throws me over the edge and into an empty fridge and freezer. ;)

On to the start of another week!

oh, and HE IS RISEN!

Monday, April 06, 2009


I went to meet an NP today about providing primary care for nursing home residents. I am really nervous about it as I have done acute care for 2.5 years (or more). I haven't studied primary care in a while. I am looking online now at cd review courses and books. Don't know which would be better... probably both. But the cd course is $420. Sigh... why does everything cost money? (rhetorical question). No wonder I can't seem to get into getting ready for this little one. I keep spinning my wheels about being out of work and money for the summer and fall. I need to do some Bible reading on faith and trusting God to provide for us...

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


We have all visited the birthing center and I continue to struggle with where to go. The center is a cash pay $2000, which I don't begrudge the midwife at all. But with our health insurance, the hospital birth will cost $300. Since I am looking at being off work for 3-4 months, that $2000 is a big chunk of change. =( But I am starting to have to refuse certain tests and care at the hospital situation and am getting argued with already. I can only imagine what will happen when I want to go home after 3-4 hours from birth, refuse immunizations, etc. So, am I being selfish to pay money just to avoid a fight? I don't know the answer. And we are 25+ weeks. A decision needs to be made this week. Sigh...

On a good note, Karate Baby is moving around like a firecracker in there - lots of kicks, punches, flips and whatever else is going on. =D And I at least have a plastic container of nb and small dipes. We probably won't be in them long but BF poo is nothing to mess with when it is leaking out of a diaper. Ewww! H was 12 pounds by 5 weeks so that is a small size and not newborn. Time will tell how this one will turn out. May have a big baby to start with and not need much of the nb stuff.

I am trying to pray diligently for our old truck to sell. It would be really nice to just have the money and not be paying for insurance/registration etc for it. It is just sitting in the driveway and it is a month and a half of maternity leave for me. I really want God to sell it for us. But I have to wait... on T, being deliberate or whatever like everything else he does. So I pray and try to keep my mouth shut.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I did visit the birthing center 20 minutes away and am pretty excited. It is a small place and she doesn't push the traditional medicine ways of doing things so much. She wouldn't object (like the hospital RNs and MDs) about Vit K and Hep B if we research and decide to hold off on some of those. Also, I wouldn't be tied to a bed and a monitor. I think it is at least worth having T & H visit with me. I could take H to appointments and those are fixin' to ramp up. T has been taking off and coming home to keep H but it will soon be a pain with every 2 week appointments from weeks 28-36. Not the only reason to do birthing center but certainly makes me think. Also though, it costs $2000 cash to birth at the center. Our hospital birth would cost $300 due to insurance. Our insurance won't cover the birthing center at all, pretty sure of that. So, lots to think about and hopefully I can take T & H over to check the place out next Monday.

H has been playing with the soap in the shower and has been very cranky for about a week. I finally caught her playing with it last night and it was an "ah ha" moment to figure out what had been causing the misery. I am off to bed. Been having wild and crazy dreams and leg cramps a lot lately while sleeping.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Oh my tired old self...

I can only imagine how tired I will be in 10 weeks. Somehow I managed to work 40 hours weekly while pregnant with H. But this time around, I struggle to work 30 (some weeks). Probably because I am trying to school H, cook every bloomin' thing we eat, do park day/coop and spend 2-3 hours outside every day. But I sure am tired. I have a meeting tonight and just don't want to go. I am sitting here struggling to muster the energy to start supper before I go. We did do school work this morning and I baked chippies all morning (8 trays). So at least we have chips to eat. Now H wants more muffins. *drags backside* I explained that I just can't do them until tomorrow. We also need to go up and see T's parents this week. At least it is spring break and we don't have coop or park day. And I don't work Friday this week. Ah, I love the 2 day weekends at work!

I called the birthing center in the next town over and they have their "visitation" on Monday afternoons. I am debating about going next week. I don't think I have anything to lose by going. The midwife will visit with me, talk to me about her philosophies and talk costs. We will see how we are doing on Monday afternoon next week. Something to think about and ponder. I sure do wish the older truck would sell. I would rather cancel the insurance and have the money in the savings account. Guess I should just keep praying!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday, Almost March

Amazing that we only have 1 day of February left! Today was busy... baking this morning, cutting up books outside for laminating, lunch and then run to park day and keep an eye on H at the park. I did get to knit on and off at the park so that was productive. H just loves park day, getting to play and run with her friends. Two days a week (coop and park day) keep her pretty happy with social time. I miss the time at home but she needs the interaction with other kids and playing so that is what we do. It is hard to find the time and energy to keep up with the cooking and freezing all week and work all weekend. The pregnancy has just made me more tired and I don' t have the energy to go all day. I can't keep the laundry folded, food baked/cooked, the floor swept, H busy and go to work on the weekends. Not enough time!

I have started shorties for Little One and time will tell how I do. I have gotten through the waist band and the short rows. I am totally nervous about splitting for the legs and gusset but will just attempt those when I come to them on the pattern. They are pretty though and I will post pics when I get a little more done and a picture taken.

Off to bed with me!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


H has been doing our local inclusive HS group coop starting in January. She loves "school" so much that it is cute to see. She says that Monday is the longest day now because school is on Tuesday and she loves school. =D The mamas there are good about not wearing perfume or scented stuff. We still wear our masks inside but she gets to do a movement class (PE) and a storybook class. She is thrilled to get to be a part of this group and I am happy for her to get to participate. We do struggle on Tuesday afternoons though. Today, we stayed 3 hours, instead of 2, to participate in the Valentine celebration. I was headache-y and taking no cr*p as we were leaving and she spent the afternoon on the couch. She kept saying, "I am just so tired Mommy" and "why do I feel bad?" So we talked about needing to leave after 2 hours and that it is good that her PE class is one of those hours. She can't take 2 hours of crafts, glue and paper.

Little One is kicking more and more these days. T felt some kicks 3 nights ago and H got to feel a kick yesterday. H didn't want to sit and wait for the kicks though. She just wanted me to tell her when one was coming... like I can predict that. LOL

I am beat tonight and am off to bed. I got no nap due to snuggling with the sad girl on the couch. But there is no place I would rather be than snuggling with my girl. I am so glad that she still loves me and loves to snuggle.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

More Pictures of the Little One

Or there will be when T gets the US photos scanned. I had the ultrasound today and this little one has 2 hands, 2 feet, 2 legs, 2 arms and 1 head. ;) We chose not to find out what gender I am carrying. We like the surprise. There are many times where it would be easier to just find out so I can buy gender specific dipes and clothing. But I also love the wait and the anticipation of meeting our little one. We also probably won't settle on names until we meet him or her either. I liked meeting H before naming her. We had boy and girl names picked out but she didn't fit the girl name so she got her own. I feel that we are having a girl but am trying to shy away from gender specific stuff, just in case. That being said, I have no problem putting flowery or pink dipes on a boy or cars/blue on a girl. The clothes have to be gender neutral so the coming home outfit is more dicey but the dipes don't matter.

The ultrasound was great to see, arms and legs waving all about. Amazing that all those moves are in there and I can't feel but a few of them. Grow, Little One, grow! Maybe I will change my tune come about June of this year. ;) But for right now, bring it on!

Praise God for our precious little one and for the big one we already love and have! Such precious gifts!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

This is real!

The little one has kicked me! For the last week, I have been feeling the spinning feeling. That is the first thing that I felt with H as well. The feeling happens at night when I lay down to go to bed. But last night, I was knitting and listening to ESPN radio. Suddenly I had kicks! The whirling was there as well but actual kicks! Whoot! This now feels real... less like just sick feeling and tired. I think that I am just waiting for it all to disappear and leave me heartbroken. But feeling the little one moving is just amazing. It was my totally favorite part of being pregnant with H as I felt like I got to interact with her instead of just carry her. I love feeling babies move!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Moving on...

This pregnancy has moved on into the second trimester. The constant nausea has improved (around week 15) to just me being a picky eater. I have gained 5 pounds total and am starting to "pooch," according to my family. ;) I have felt a few turning movements but no definitive jabs or kicks yet. I am still taking a nap every afternoon when I am home. I am almost ready for maternity clothing, which is another problem... or the lack of the clothing is a problem.

I am starting to feel nervous about this baby. H's infancy was such a difficult time for us. Life was truly harder than I had ever experienced. I didn't know how much watching your child suffer could wear on you and bring you flat on your face before God. I have been trying to be cautious about expectations with this pregnancy. I didn't want to get too attached (stupid, I know), if something happened to the baby. But we are at 16+ weeks and still here. I pray every day for God to help our baby to grow strong and healthy. I truly don't care what flavor we have (chocolate or vanilla LOL) but I dream of a happy babe that we can enjoy. That is my hope and prayer right now for this little one.

I am still working the usual amount but am totally enjoying taking 1 weekend off per month. It is wonderful to feel "normal" and all be home together. And I get to get rested up and sleeping on a normal schedule for about 1.5 weeks before returning to work.

H and I started going to a coop homeschool last week. She did well, though we only stayed for 1 class and they were outside a lot. This week she will do the movement class as well as stay for the storytelling class. We will see how we do. She is totally thrilled with getting to participate. And I am thrilled for her. The other moms make extra effort to not wear perfume or smelly stuff. I would love to try to return to church but all the perfume and getting dressed up is probably more than she and I can do right now. Little steps are progress for us!

I am going to sign off for tonight. I worked 3 days this weekend, Fri/Sat/Sun, and am bushed. I love staying home with my H and am looking forward to this week.