Sunday, December 21, 2008

Noteworthy Occurance Today

Well, after 6.5 years of wiping someone else's bottom! Today H wiped her bottom, flushed, washed and came to the kitchen like a big girl. She is typically fearful and has sensory issues and I have been a pushover mama. We have been working on wiping the poo for about 2 weeks. T and I have just been "checking" but we have still had to go in there and look. My girl is finally doing her own stuff. Most kids are at daycare or school and just get independent but with schooling at home, it is different. And she is a clingy girl anyway. So, another step to independence for my girl. While I work on growing another one to wipe. ROFL

Off to bed for me!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My two girls

After I posted the last bit, I thought about putting a pic of the "girls" out here. So here they are...

Joy in the circumstances

This is hard. The nausea doesn't leave. The only thing keeping me from curling into a ball and staying there is H. And she is trying to be patient but gets frustrated at our lack of ability to do anything. I even feel so bad and cold that I just don't want to sit in the yard. =(

And it has been cold here, below freezing for a couple of days. So we are holed up in the house, making each other crazy. Thank goodness that this year we can wash A, the precious bassett, and bring her in. When it stays below 40 degrees, I am bringing her in. H chases her around the house. It is almost comical to have a bassett hide under the kitchen table because it is her "refuge." H isn't allowed to chase her out from under the table - my rules to protect the dog.

So, I am trying to be thankful and joyful that we are still pregnant - though I truly feel horrific most of the time. H is having to settle for reading more and playing with said bassett. Sigh... Such a short time to endure but boy is this really hard on me and on her. T is even washing dishes every evening as I can't stand the soft or greasy feeling on my hands. And I *can't* stand ground beef. Eating bits of chicken and bison and lots of beans. Ah well, I just hope we can find joy in the circumstances...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Overwhelming Nausea

So much nausea that I cry... and it is all day sickness. =( I keep praying that God will give me the grace to endure this. It was easier when pregnant w/ H cause I could eat whatever I wanted. Now I can't eat potato or tortilla or cheese or rice. Sometimes I just cry because I am so hungry and nauseated. Nothing sounds good. Nothing that I can eat, that is...

Friday, November 14, 2008

To whom much is given...

I have news! 2 weeks ago, I had a positive pregnancy test to confirm what I had been hoping. We are thrilled to be pregnant and I am nervous and shellshocked. I had totally made my piece that we were a only child family. I didn't even get emotional while waiting for af last cycle. I had many prayer conversations with God, asking for peace and grace. God has a sense of humor after all these months.

We are 6 weeks pregnant and just like with H, the all day nausea started during week 5. I am nauseated all day. I force myself to eat but the nausea remains. I miss potatoes, tortillas and butter *right now!* When pregnant with H, I just ate whatever sounded edible. But being GF, DF, EF and lots of other things free, my options are very limited. So I am struggling.

We actually told H last night because she was asking what was wrong with me. =) I guess she is more observant that I thought. Also, I don't/can't go walking every morning or even go outside sometimes. The nausea is overwhelming and nasty. But I am thankful that I don't throw up. Yet.

We thank God for our wonderful gift of hope and a new life!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sadness and Thankfulness

Several things have happened since I last posted. H and I were driving home from getting ground beef and hit some sort of animal on the road. By the grace of God, we stayed on the road and made it home. Then I noticed that fluid pouring from the underside of the vehicle. And the front underside of the car was bent, cracked and torn up. So, into the shop the car went for 2 weeks. Sigh... Then, this last Friday, I was in a hurry to get going to work. Left the keys in the car and it rolled down the driveway and hit me and the garage door. Cost: $450 to repaint the car, $200+ to fix the garage door, priceless lesson to remember to slow down and do things the right way. So the car is in the shop again this week.

In September, I was so hopeful about being pregnant. It is crazy that I keep hoping. But somehow I do. I am trying daily to give to God whole issue of another child: if we do have one, timing, health issues, money, etc. But I was really heartbroken when I wasn't pregnant. There are so many good things for us just having one child. But my heart just cries because I would love another child. It is also hard for me at work to see people with children that they don't take care of or really don't want to have. We would love another one and just aren't getting pregnant. But I have to cling to the knowledge that God's ways are higher and (much more) perfect than my ways. He sees the whole of eternity stretched out and knows what will bring him more glory. Being shaped into Jesus' image is so painful, since there is so much shaping to be done.

The world events are just a bit crazy right now as well. I am so glad that we don't have tons of debt and we just fill up the cars and go to work. I think of all the stressed out people in our country and our world and it is scary to me. I am praying for Jesus' return to bring all this crazy-ness to a close. Most days I am ready to spend the rest of eternity praising God... but that is my job here on earth too.

To God be the glory!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Summer is cooling off

September is always the herald of the end of summer misery here in Texas. I have a birthday at the beginning of September (more on that in a bit) and it is usually still in the 100's. But this week, the second week in September, we are only hitting the mid to high 90's. Whooooo! Still humid and muggy but less hot overall.

I am suffering from a total lack of motivation. I can hardly keep up with the cooking, supper is always late and I am struggling to get the housework done. I think that some of this has to do with my sadness at not being pregnant. I really would like to have another baby and we decided to do the HSG in May this year. Got it done and still nothing... still ovulating but no BFP (as my TTC friends would say). I spend about half my time feeling ok about having an only child and then the days come where I mourn the loss of our dream of another child. I am still praying daily that God's will be done in that area of our lives and that I can accept his perfect decision. But I have to accept it daily (sometimes more) as the want is still here.

I turned 35 last Friday. I don't feel much older than a year or so ago but I feel so tired all the time - see above paragraph. I am not managing to get H out in her wading pool. We spend lots of time with her on her trampoline or swinging and me camped out in a chair with the knitting or just watching. Going outside keeps her from watching TV but it doesn't get any housework or baking done. But her being busy instead of veg-ing in front of the TV is worth it.
We went to Gran and Poppy's house today and spend about 5 hours in their back yard. H had a great time running with the neighbor puppy. We also walked over and fed carrots to the mules in the pasture. Gran and Poppy are so kind as to keep a bag of carrots for us. =) We had a great time and got to spend time with the grandparents. We are glad they are home from Arizona and hopefully they are too.
And lastly, my knitting is progressing. I am fixin' to start attempting to make hats for H and T. The pattern is for an adventurous beginner... beginner I am, not so sure about adventurous. LOL Here is the link with a picture of a finished hat.
Time will tell how I do with it. ;) They are both excited about the hat and I would like to see if I can really do this. I would love to be able to knit from home and not work so much. But I make too much $$ with the professional job. So will just keep at the evening and weekend work and knit for fun.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Too tired to post

Yep, just what the title says. I am too tired to type out my thoughts. And many times my thoughts are conflicted and complicated. So I am having trouble typing things out "on paper" right now. We are still here, I am just struggling.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008


My mom called Monday evening and my sister is going through a miscarriage. I am so sad for them. They have been married for 11 years and have been busy being pastor/pastor's wife and devoting their lives to that. My mom was excited to be a grandma again, H was going to be a cousin for the first time, I would get to be an aunt...

I am also sad that my sister has to go through the physical and emotional pain of losing a child. I can't imagine how much that hurts. I have had a couple days to think about this. I grieve the loss of what could have been with our last 2.5 years of trying to get pregnant. I think that the grieving would be more intense because there is actually a loss of a little person. At least we just haven't been able to get pregnant. I can't imagine the grief and loss of a child. This verse has been rolling around my head and I sent it to her last night...

"He (God) said to me, 'My grace IS sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Gives new perspective on my strengths and weaknesses...

Monday, July 28, 2008

Slacker here...

Whee, I haven't posted in a month! What a slacker I am...

Summer is sliding by here. I wanted to take H to Zilker Park to the springs and swim cause we can't swim in a chlorinated pool. But we just haven't made it. I want T to go with us and we just haven't had him take a day off other than for me to work. It is pretty hot... I think it was 102 or something awful like that. But that is Texas in the dog days of July and August. ;)

We spend lots of time with the water hose and the lawn chair out in the front yard. The beloved dog has a long picket line type leash that my in-laws gave us and it has been wonderful. Precious Dog isn't on a 6 foot leash now in the front. Hooray!

I am really struggling with energy levels. I have been working more shifts for a year now and it isn't doing great. I am starting to take 1 weekend off a month and only working 8 or so shifts a month. Working 10 or so is hard on me physically and it is hard on our family. But it is better than T having a second job to make ends meet. I have the second job instead of him. Speaking of jobs, we are praying about his. The powers that be are moving web content to the Gateway team and so T will be doing something else for the first time in years. We have no idea what yet. I am trying to pray faithfully for my husband. My prayer is that he will have a job that challenges him mentally and provides him with problem solving opportunities instead of being a trained monkey. ;) And, yes, he reads this blog. He knows what I mean.

We are still hanging out and waiting on God for an addition to the family. My sister called about a week ago and they are expecting their first child. Everyone is excited and I am excited for her. I am sad for us. It has been a long 2.5 years. God is continuing to grow and stretch my patience.

I will try not to go a month without posting again.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Promised Cake Pictures

Here is proof that a GF/DF/EF cake can be done *and* as a bonus, they were good! And the girl is beautiful too, if I do say so myself. *blush*

H's Birthday Party

My girl is 6 years old. Many days I have paced the floor and prayed that God would preserve my daughter and allow her to grow. Her birthday is a reminder that God has answered our prayers with a resounding "YES!" She is growing and thriving and learning.

The picture is of her and her friends at her first *friend* birthday party. All her grandparents came, a great aunt came and the friends came too. We had a lovely time out at Lion's Park and got to visit w/ friends. And I was reminded again that I am so blessed to have a 6 year old girlie.

We love our CP/NB flour food (at least H and I do) and Hannah had birthday cake for the first time this year. With PINK frosting! LOL I am having trouble posting the pink cakes so I will do a separate post with the cake pics. The cakes are good and we will use the recipe again.

Monday, June 23, 2008


I am definitely lacking in organization. Some days I get lots done and some days I sit in front of the computer, exhausted. Probably has to do with my work schedule as well. ;) During room time today, I worked on a list of things that we need to do during the week. To me, the weekends are a wash because that is when I work outside our home.

Summer is definitely here. We are hovering around 100 F every day. July and August are just around the corner - this is when everything will bake around here. We walk Amy almost every morning and it is still cool enough to do that. H scraped her knees last week and so we can't swim/water play for another day or so. Her scabs came off last week and she was so traumatized by that. So tomorrow we are going to Gran and Poppie's to water their plants and soak some clothes. We will put the clothes in their washer and then have lunch, feed the mules and walk around. Then I can wash the clothes more here but all the sizing and junk has to be out before I can wash at home.

I am praying for peace about staying here. I really want to move and leave but no house on a regular lot will be better for us than this one is. There is a hunk of dirt for sale out about 25 miles from where we are now. It is not farm land and is hilly and lovely. The problem is that it is 157 acres (yikes) for $510,000. We don't really have a use for 157 acres and we certainly don't have half a million bucks. We really don't want to go into debt hugely for another place and would like to save up $$$ and buy. We have lots of equity in this house so once we sell, we could pay off quite a bit as well. We don't mind having a mortgage again on a new house but we aren't able to spend that kind of money. I keep praying that God will help me wait on him and his timing. But I can't work hard enough to save enough money to buy some place like that. God will have to provide something smaller for us. Maybe he doesn't want us in Central Texas and we are to wait. Oh, that patience muscle hurts so much when it is flexed and strengthened! Please God help me!

Monday, June 02, 2008

Wedding Complete

The wedding was a great success! B & T did great and were so sweet. H was a great ring bear and was so proud "to be perfect and not wrinkled, Mommy!" I don't have any pics yet. We got all our things - clothes, shoes, belt, socks, food - and were half way up there. I remembered that we had not gotten the camera. =( But we all were appropriately dressed and had a great time. H only had trouble at the reception and putting her mask back on fixed that for a while. Then we went back to Nana and Pawpaw's. She did ok there until about 20 people arrived at the same time and the reflux struck. We did bicarb and she stayed outside for the couple of hours that we had left. We didn't get home until 2315 and then all three of us got through the shower. H slept all night and we were/are so thankful. We all got to enjoy our extended families and didn't make H or myself miserable. Praise God!!!

I had the HSG the Thursday before the wedding. We made the most of "trying" and I am trying patiently to wait and see what happens. I am so *not* patient and this 2 week wait is causing me distress. I am praying that God will give me the grace to accept what he plans - another possibly sensitive bub or to be satisfied with the wonderful blessing of H. In some ways, I would love to just have H. Life is good right now. I am catching up on all the sleep deprivation that I had for 5 years! Time will tell but I am impatient. ;)

H and I are spending our afternoons in the pool under the trees again. It is 95ish today and hot. I am thankful for our lovely trees that make our yard bearable in this heat. We walk the precious bassett in the mornings to get us out in the cooler part of the day and then a bit of school work and lunch. I am trying to do "room time" after lunch and then we go outside. Today has been full of mowers so we are back in right now. We will go back out in about 10 minutes. Got to get those wiggles out!

Monday, May 19, 2008

A Good Monday

It is amazing what adequate sleep and not working crazy hours does for me. I worked to shifts this weekend but it is the middle shift and I got to sleep normally. I am tired today but doing well, considering how I spent my weekend surrounded by chemicals. It will take a couple months to back down my schedule to fewer hours since we do the schedule 3 months ahead. But I am looking forward to July and having a weekend off. I also want to do only 2 week-days a month. It is hard on T and I to do the during the week thing. It should be easy but somehow it is hard on us. I like the Friday evenings but he also goes and does D&D at the Webers and goes to Manly night. And I wouldn't want to work every Friday anyway, two a month is plenty for us.

It is supposed to be 94 degrees today. We are going to break out the wading pool and fill it up today. The idea is to play in the yard a while and then wash Amy. Then she can come inside and hang with us and stay cool this evening.

H is practicing writing in her "journal" this morning - doing copy work beside me at the table. I need to work on the Spell to Read and Write while we are outside today. She is so ready to do more with school but I have to get prep done to make things safer for her and organize what we can do.

Well, the HSG is Thursday. The doc's office called and my FSH is high, which means that my pituitary has to work harder than "normal" to get me to ovulate. I am almost 35 years old, so not really surprising. I am going to do the HSG and then we are done with TTC. I will just go back to not doing anything to prevent but if God wants us to have another little one, he is God! I giggle to myself when I think of Sarai having a baby at 80 or 90. God's plan is not hampered by high FSH or my age. He created me and knows exactly what the best plan is. I am kind of glad to get the fertility stuff done. It has been hanging over my head for 2.5 years of wondering if we are going to have to do that again. There are great reasons for having another bub but there is the easy factor of just having Hannah. She is big enough that she is helpful most of the time. =) Time will tell on this one... I can't see the future, nor do I know what is best for us.

Friday, May 16, 2008

So Much

I have so much for which to be thankful. Since my post on living in the now instead of the maybe a new house, God has really been impressing upon me that I cannot live with the "what ifs" of life. H has the Steve Green cd's and one of the songs is "Do Not Worry about Tomorrow." That so strikes close to my fearful heart. I want to save $$$, buy some land, build a house and have another child all in the next few months. I cannot control any of those things but I can give my worry over to God. I am working on concentrating on what will glorify God in my life and not what can I get out of all this.

I am feeling so good today. It is Friday and I have had 4 days off. I am beginning to face the fact that work makes me really sick and how do I get around from going there? I just have to work less... It is hard to give up having energy to move and feeling good but also hard to give up my ability to go to work and be a competent adult person. Sigh... my significance doesn't come from work, right? Tell that to my heart!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Mama is tired

I have just finished 3 shifts in a row and I am beat. I worked 3-12 last night and the place was full the whole 9 hours. I took a break for 10 minutes and inhaled my supper. The rest of the time was spent diligently seeing patients. The redeeming factor was that Dr M is good and quick. I don't know how many we saw together last night but it felt like a lot. And I forgot to document something on a chart and I can't remember the man's name! Sigh... brain fog at its best.

H is being patient today. We watched Meet the Robinsons again this am. It is cloudy today and I am glad. It fits my mood more than lovely bright sunshine. Hopefully I can rest tonight and have a better day tomorrow. We have to sweep and bake chippies this afternoon...

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Nature Exploration and other thoughts

Yesterday H and I went out to friends' house who has 17+ acres and animals. We had a great time marching all over. H and her friends swang on the tire swing, looked at a great big frog, watched guys try to catch goats... We also walked across the "bull pasture" and collected dewberries and searched for kittens. She was hot, red (from being hot) and tired. H went to sleep at 810 and slept until 730 this morning!

I on the other hand, itched and scratched all day. The pollen and being out in the morning made me miserable. I am ready for the tree pollen to go away. Our pecan trees now have the dangling pollen and the mesquite trees out at the farm also had the pollen all over them.

On the building a house subject, I have decided that I need to just stop thinking about another place. I need to focus on keeping this one up and getting it paid for sooner rather than later. If God allows us to build a different house someday, then I will be truly grateful. But I cannot keep struggling to work extra hours just to try and save a bit. I do need to be mindful of not spending too much but I cannot continue to focus, dare I say OBSESS, about building. If we are to work with reproductive endo on another babe, I cannot continue to deal with that and wanting to build. A house is just that, a house. A blessing from God is eternal.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


She counted by 5's to 100 tonight! We were sitting in the rocking chair and talking about 15 people in my CPR class. So I said, what if there were 5 more people with the 15? And she says "20 people then" and we kept going up and up. Then she counted by 2's to 30 and by 10's to 100. She has been doing the 10's for a while but tonight was the first time by 2's and 5's. It was a light bulb moment for us!

I had CPR and dashed home to shower and make it for bedtime. I missed bedtime 3 nights this weekend and I didn't want to miss another. She is such a joy most times and a corker the rest. ;)

Good Night!

Monday, April 07, 2008

Pretzel Bites here

We have found another staple in the chickpea/NB diet. We use an icing bag and pipe out shapes and rounds into "pretzel bites." They are salty and crunchy and totally different than our cereal. It has helped me so much to have something "chip" like to munch on. And H has started eating them too. At first, she didn't want anything to do with them but gradually, she has started munching too. =) Now we are making them twice weekly and eating them all in 3 days. Hooray!

It is officially spring here - the trees are completely leafed out (except the pecans) and the irises have bloomed beautifully. The down side to this is that all of our neighbors are mowing their grass. We went outside three different times yesterday and were chased inside after a bit by next door neighbors mowing. =(

Bring on the saving $$$ so that we can move. But then I ordered Spell to Read and Write last night, a set of Math U See manipulative blocks and Prima Latina. So much for saving money. Nothing about this child has been cheap and I don't expect it to start now! ;) I am praying for patience and God's timing for our lives.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Thanks for Lunch!

We were sitting down at the table and eating lunch yesterday when Hannah started talking. "Mommy, we are eating lunch! We didn't get to eat lunch when I drank Neocate. I love getting to eat lunch. And my food is so good now!" I had tears in my eyes. She went on for about 3-4 minutes about how much she loved eating and how thankful she was that "Miss Fiona helped us so much." We only at breakfast and supper and Hannah drank Neocate throughout the day prior to starting in the kingdom. I love us all eating the same food and enjoying our meals together.

Our lives look so different this year in comparison to 2007. I am actually working on birthday cake ideas for H. She will be 6 years old and has never had a birthday cake. I need to get beetroot powder and tint everything pink. She would be over-the-moon happy with a pink cake! =D

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Shifting House

We have known since we purchased our house that foundations are an issue in Texas. Today we had a man come and check it out and see what kind of shape our foundation is in. He measured and our bedroom (master) is 1 inch below the living room. I wonder what it would be in August or September after days of no rain and lots of heat. We haven't had much rain but at least it hasn't been 100+ degrees.

It also reminds me, when I am laying in the grass pulling weeds, that I can be so thankful that my life's foundation is not sinking. Jesus is a solid foundation, even when my emotions are riding the waves of life. I am trying to start listening to the pastor's sermons at TBC. Today, he was talking about Exodus 1 from February 3. His final statement struck me: "Do you know who your God is?" The way for me to know God is to spend time in his presence. I don't spend much time there... I have all kinds of excuses. But all of them are meaningless in light of eternity. I need to spend time in God's word so that I may know him and so that I may know, without a shadow of a doubt, that my God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He will never leave me, nor forsake me for anything or anyone.

"For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

But things like death and principalities and powers and things to come can be scary. I must know who my God is so that I may trust in his unending love for me.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Maybe not

Maybe I shouldn't post tonight... or just not all my thoughts.

I saw a little girl this weekend who had rotavirus. I am pretty good about lots of handwashing at work and not getting sick from the sickies at work but somehow I didn't escape this weekend. Monday, I didn't eat much lunch, just didn't feel like it. So I was pretty hungry by supper. I cooked lovely telapia (T & H's favorite) and we had a grand fish supper with cauliflower on the side. By 2130, my tummy was in rebellion. I thought maybe I was just too tired - lots of work, not getting to bed early enough from the change in DST. But I couldn't sleep due to nausea. By 2300, I was sure that I was going to throw up and by 2345, I was upchucking my guts. I threw up every 30-40 minutes all night long. Then at 6am, the last time I threw up, my guts decided to evacuate too. I had liquid poo all day long yesterday. Now I know how these poor little kids get so dehydrated. The poo has slowed but I still am not back to par. Yesterday, I got dizzy and the pass out feeling when I wasn't horizontal. I haven't hardly eaten today, just trying to drink. I pray that Hannah hasn't gotten this nasty-ness from me. I keep hounding her to wash her hands, I wash all the time.

So, this week is a wash for us... just keep mommy alive to work again this weekend. But I did like the working Friday evening and then Saturday and Sunday much better. I will try it again in June. I don't want to do it in May because then we miss play group on Friday.

Off to put more in the washer and trot off to bed.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

The Beautiful, the Cold and the Yucky

I start with a picture of the best part... she found branches and decided to be...

A MOOSE! Cutest one I have seen, not saying much though cause I haven't seen a real one. ;)

Winter isn't over yet. We here in Texas don't have much to call a winter but what we do have keeps showing back up again. Yesterday was marvelous - sunny, 72 degrees, bit of a breeze. H and I met some friends at a park and spent the afternoon playing, digging and I got to hold a baby. =D Today it was warmer at 730am than it is now at 1430 - now is 38 degrees and pouring rain. No going out to play today.

On a good note, my order of flour and baking ingredients got here from Australia. But we are missing H's candy and 1 packet of baking soda. We did get T's pesto jars though so he can try that out.
I am getting the itch to be out on our own land. I really dread our constantly mowing neighbors that will drive us inside this spring and summer. I am praying for patience and God's loving mercy to allow me to wait on him and his perfect timing.

Monday, March 03, 2008


Well, God is amazing. Since H and I are on the GF diet, we cannot just go out and buy food. In fact, we order our flours and then I bake up our food. Well, I was low-ish on one of my main flours so I ordered about a week prior to when I would need more. I should have ordered sooner but things just crept up on me. Not only did our flour not come, but I had to get out the blender and make flour from some organic beans that I had ordered about 6 months ago. This is how much flour we had left when our new supply came...Amazing, isn't it! We didn't even have enough to make our bread again. God provided for us just when we had no more. I wanted to post because sometimes I feel like miracles are unusual. Not that these circumstances were miraculous but to me, not being able to feed my girl is bad news. Not to mention me not having anything to eat either. ;)

Jehovah Jireh, God provides!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

My First Picture to Post

My first post with a picture! She is my pride and joy, one of the ones I work for every day to keep fed and happy. We were taking a picture of her favorite hoodie. But she is my favorite girl. ;)
We have continue to spend lots of time outside. We are playing, hiking, hanging out with Amy and just enjoying the mild Texas winter.
Just wanted to post my first pic and remember my precious one.

Thursday, February 21, 2008


I am just feeling sad. Yet another month of not being pregnant. =( I have prayed a lot over the last week or so that God would give me the grace to accept the non-pregnant status. I wish that the want for another child would just go, that God would just take it from me. I have so much to be thankful for and yet, somehow, I want more. It is so frustrating to be "normal" except for every month I am not pregnant. Really stinks, even. But, as I mentioned before, I have so much to be thankful for that I am an ingrate for the wanting.

H is doing well... we are working on the reading and she is slowly getting better. We are doing our number problems on the unbleached paper and that seems to be going ok. She is well right now, playing lots, growing both physically and mentally. T is doing ok, work continues to frustrate him but there doesn't seem to be a lot that I can do with that other than to listen.

I also think that being pregnant would give me a reason to work less. Somehow I think that I need a reason. ?!?! I try to force myself to work extra and then I am exhausted and worn out and don't have any energy to do things with H on the days I do have off. And I don't hardly see my husband. But it frustrates me so greatly when he spends all his free time in front of that stinkin' computer. Seriously. Last night wasn't a raid night and he removed himself from it for 10 minutes to eat with us. He got up to pick H up off of me, we fell asleep on the couch. Then he was back in front of the horrid thing. I am just at a loss how to interact with him so I have given up and I just go to work. It hurts me so much that he doesn't want to spend an evening with us (without the computer) but I can't seem to get through to him. Sorry to tangent off on that but I am just so sad about feeling neglected. He is home, at least isn't at the bar or whatever, but he truly isn't mentally home. If H or I say something to him, he doesn't even answer most of the time unless I raise my voice and point out that we were talking to him.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Flu Season

Happy February! It was a busy end to January. T and I both got sick and I spent all of one week (between working the weekends) recovering from high fever, cough, congestion and horrid myalgias. The 2 weeks after that have been consumed with working and trying to keep H busy.

We went hiking with some homeschooling friends on Friday and then went to play group. We spent from 9am to 5pm outside playing. It was marvelous and beautiful outside. I am so thankful that we can be outside and enjoy the beauty.

H and I are trying to do scheduled "school work" each day. We have just been using her laminated reading sheets periodically but last week, we started doing 10 minutes a day of working on practice. Also, I made her some "math worksheets" that she does addition on. We have paper that is unbleached, recycled paper and hemp and she doesn't seem to react to it much at all. She is in heaven to get to write and "do school work" like she imagines all the other kids doing. I just want her to like learning and not force her to do things at this point. Hopefully ever, truly, but I don't think that is realistic. I see my role in her schooling as helping her to learn to love learning and reading and exploring. I pray that it stays that way!

Lots to do today since I worked last night and the weekend. Big piles of laundry, floor needs sweeping, cooking to be done... I love it!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

New Hobby Business

I did it... I ordered enough beads and accessories to make 4 or so necklaces. Since H and I made the Christmas presents, I found that I enjoy beading. AND with glass, stone or crystal beads, H nor I feel bad or get sick. So, to vent my creative side and attempt to keep myself sane, I am going to embark on trying to sell a few creations here and there. I truly wish that I could sew at home but it would make all of us feel ill so a-beading we will go. ;)

I have had 6 days off and it is lovely. I wish that I could make enough with this little venture to keep me from going to work. But, the travails of making too much money at work is that it is not easily replaced with simply making a few beaded creations. =( If the beading can just fill the need to "do something" and loving colors and making things in addition to breaking even on costs, then we might do ok.

I have to bathe the girl... off to have a great evening!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Cold Here

Hey, wanted to post a quick update here. It is cold, even in Texas. Freezing every night, windy in the day. We met Nana halfway and traded for water and played in a park. It was about 38 degrees and drizzle-y, a wet raw day. But we have lots of water again *and* we got to see Nana. The best part was getting to see Nana.

We miss getting to go and visit family since T and I both work. Since I work weekends, that leaves us no time to visit over weekends or holidays. It has been a long 2.5 years of working weekends... but it has been a long 5.5 years since H was born too. I am so glad she is improving to the point that we can at least be outside a lot. That is an improvement over being stuck at home all the time.

So long from a southern wintery place...

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Tired but changes

I am exhausted. I worked 12 hours yesterday and 9 today... tomorrow I go back for more.
=( The powers that be are changing up the work hours and I am not sure what I think. The afternoon shift will end earlier but the am shift starts at 6am. I don't think I can swing that long-term very well. I am considering asking the medical director if they will let me work 2 12 hr shifts on Saturday and Sunday from 12p-12a. If I did 6 12's and then 1 evening per month, that would get me about 80 hours. I think that is sustainable for us. We are slowly going under with me working 10-11 shifts per month. T and I never have any time together, like a whole day off and we all don't have any family time. I wonder if the work folks will be interested in me working the 12's. My only hope is that the would rather work Sat and Sun am's and be off in the afternoons. My pro's are dependable, routine work hours for me, a weekend off every month, getting home after H is in bed (so my work smellies don't bother her) and so that I can quit doing these crazy Monday evenings. The con's are long shifts and being gone 2 evenings a week. I think the pro's are winning out for me right now. Will be emailing the scheduler this week to feel things out.

Thanks for listening and letting me get the thoughts "on paper."

For family news, H got her first "2 wheeler" today and she is so excited and nervous that it isn't even funny. She was crying, sad and nervous about it one moment and thrilled to have a big girl bike the next. Would be funny if it weren't my baby who is going to be 6 in several months. I can't believe she is such a big little girl. And I am so thankful that she is eating and happy most of the time.

Happy Sunday!

Monday, January 07, 2008

Too Much Work and other Ramblings

Whew! This is the first week that I have only worked 2 days in a while. I worked a lot over Christmas, picking up extra hours while T was off. It left me with very little time at home and then we were out of town at Christmas for 3 days.

H still hasn't gotten all of her presents but she doesn't know the difference. She got quite a bit and we all got to spend time with Nana, Pawpaw, Uncle Burt and Miss Tamar. She is used to not getting toys 'cause she can't have new ones. I remember my family just being together at holiday times and I remember *very* few of the presents at those holidays. Kids will remember the important stuff if that is what is taught to them. I want to teach H that Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for what God has blessed us with and Christmas is about God's precious gift to us. NOT about presents and how much does she get this time. Can you tell that I am passionate about this subject? ;)

This weekend as I was working, I just felt like I hit a wall. I am tired of not having any family time. Not sure what to do about this problem as if I don't work as much, T will still want to play that fool game online. One thing about me working is that he has to interact with H. If I am absent, he is the go-to parent. But since Thanksgiving, he has just been waiting until I get home from work and expecting me to cook supper, clean up and keep the food baked. I am about to volunteer to work evenings just to stop dealing with it. I am totally exhausted from getting up at 530a and working like crazy for a 9 hr shift. I just don't have the energy to come home, shower and stand up and cook. But, for H and I to eat, I have to do so.

Also, if I slow down on the working, we don't save as much. But I am truly struggling with God's sufficiency. Can God provide for us? How silly is that? God has truly sustained Hannah and I over the last 5.5 years in big obvious ways and I question his sufficiency? Will I ever learn? I spent our drive to Austin (going to Whole Foods) praying and being teary. After all I have been through in the last 5 years, why can I not trust more fully? I still struggle with trying to humanly arrange our lives. Truly laughable and yet I still continue to do it. I want to let go and trust but then I start with the "well, I will work a little more and save it" thing and it just rolls onward. I work between 90 and 100 hours monthly. T and I never have a day off at the same time. It really is hard and we have basically no family time. I would like to work 3 weekends a month, ultimately.

Another issue that is plaguing me is that we have been trying for 2 years to get pregnant again and a big NOTHING. Just like when we were trying for H. With my chemical issues, I don't want to go back and be injected with radioactive dye (HSG) to get pregnant. But I am almost there again. I really do want to have a baby but the work thing plays into this again. I can't work this much if we are going to have more children. So, it boils down to the fact that I need to trust God and work less. Not sure what to do about the baby thing... will keep praying for now. I just feel that I let T down 'cause I am so lacking in the bearing children catagory. And when I did have one, look how she turned out! A screaming miserable babe for 4 YEARS!!!

Sigh... can you tell that I have been bottling all this up?