Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dress up

When you are almost 4 months old, you don't usually play dress up. Unless you have a seven year old sister who loves to wrap in playsilks. ;)

But then you get tired of being covered and tied up and you start to get fussy...

and the jig is up.

Boy, is my baby cute or what? ;)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Hard Weekend

T had to mow yesterday. We have avoided this like the plague since Skunk was born because of how badly Bear used to react to our yard being mowed. And true to form, we had night waking and a difficult day today. Poor baby!

Bear and I went driving and exploring today by ourselves. She and I haven't been anywhere together since Skunk was born. Today we went driving and found a housing development and walked and drove around. We packed our lunch and had a lovely picnic, just us two. I miss her so much. I am glad that she and I had seven years together before we had another screamer. I so badly want to be in a tight house with a wonderful filtering HVAC system but that costs lots of money. I just don't want to be in debt to our eyeballs and me have to go to work all the time. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. But thank goodness this one is paid for! At least we don't have to consider making the house payment on this one. Praise God!

I am still sad about not feeding Skunk but I am also continuing to try and see how beneficial Neocate is for her. She was struggling so much with being breastfed. This is better for her but it is emotionally difficult for me. I miss that sweet connection but it had become a fight to get her to eat. I need to remember that when I get sad. Thanks be to God for providing for my girls!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Just Sad

My dreams are broken for Skunk... I didn't want to do this. I just wanted a baby who could go outside and wasn't so bloomin' chemically sensitive. I wanted to feed my baby myself and not from a bottle. Guess I am not in control, am I? Back to read Job again...

Someone I knew online several years ago had a quote in her siggy - "when something is wrong with my baby, something is wrong with me." I feel so sad that Skunk has to suffer and be so sensitive. There is quite a bit rattling around in my head... the death of a dream, the daily struggle to keep her eating and sleeping, the great lengths that we have to go to in order to keep our girls healthy. No McDonald's or frozen foods or the easy way out for us. I am thankful that God has given them to us so that we can take care of them though. I wonder what other kids do whose parents don't figure out the chemical side of things. I am thankful for a husband who listens to my crazy ideas and jumps through crazy hoops to keep our girls healthy and mostly happy. I just wish, hope and pray that someday we can help them to heal so that they don't have to struggle so much.

Please God... hear the cry of my heart and help my girls

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Bit Better

Today is two weeks since Skunk started Neocate. I am still sad but am not crying all day like I was at first. I am trying to focus on the fact that she is so much better off. She can eat and not scream... mostly. She can sleep... mostly. I am not feeling like everything that I breathe or eat or do is causing my baby to react. But I am sad still, even though feeding her had become a struggle. We do snuggle and feed her with a bottle but it just isn't the same for me. But I prayed and asked God to give me the grace to accept what is best for Skunk and this is the best right now. My sadness will become less fresh.

This last weekend, one of our neighbors sprayed their yard with weed killer or fertilizer or pesticide. Bear threw up Saturday morning from the reflux and Skunk hasn't been eating or sleeping well for the week since their exposure. It is hard to go back to the reacting, not sleeping and screaming misery. But at least with time, the symptoms get better. Today, Skunk has just gotten back to being able to sleep for more than 45 minutes during her daytime naps. Poor baby! This is why we need to be on acreage in the country, far from people. I am still praying that God will provide what and where my girls need.

An exciting answer to prayer is that with my parents help, we paid off our house last week! We are so excited to not owe anyone anything in this whole world. It is a good feeling. Someday we might be back in the mortgage arena but it is nice to be able to save for a safer place for the girls and for us.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Happy Birthday to my patient DH


thank you for loving me when I am unloveable. I love you and hope you enjoyed your supper, even if it was plain and simple. Thank you for staying with us even when life is filled with screaming and crying - theirs and mine.

I. love. you. forever.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Struggling with Angry

I know that I shouldn't be angry and maybe it is more frustration than anger. I think that this is just part of my grieving process overall. I had so hoped and prayed that we wouldn't have to have such a sensitive little one again. God has said NO! and I feel frustrated, angry and guilty all mixed up.

I had so hoped and prayed that if I was careful about food and exposures that I could have a happy and breastfed baby. I am so, so, so sad that I can't feed Skunk. We gave her a bath this morning and while I was drying her off and getting her dressed, she was laying in my arms like she did when she nursed. She opened her mouth and I just broke down. I don't want to have to limit her Neocate intake. I don't want her to be fed Neocate at all. But the choice is terrible. She struggles to eat and the reflux is much worse on breastmilk. I cry off and on through the day. I am mean to my husband and Bear because I am so sad. I don't want to be thinking about how to pay for Neocate when all I want is to feed my baby.

I don't want to be like this... I want to be thankful and prayerful, tender and loving.

Please God, shape my heart and make me more like yourself. I don't like me right now, how can anyone else like me either? Please help me God!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


I am striving to be thankful and grateful...

for God's merciful and gracious gift of Jesus and his sacrifice
for 2 precious daughters
for 1 patient husband
for Neocate to feed Skunk
for chickpea flour, peaches, chicken, beef and more for Bear
for work for my husband
for our home
for enough to provide for my children that they don't want for anything
for precious little girl arms that wrap around my neck
for early morning feedings and snuggles

I will be thankful! Praise God, Jehovah Jireh - he provides!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Still Grieving

I have been crying again today. I am limiting my milk making and I cry every time I use my breastpump. My heart is crying today with the rain. I fed G (Skunk) at 10am and for some reason, my body decided that my milk wanted to let down as well. It is such a sad feeling. I will never again have the sweet primal pleasure of feeding one of my babies. *tears falling* I remember struggling so much when I weaned H (Bear) as well. Somehow feeding my girls should mean breastfeeding them and that is not what is best for my girls. And it makes my heart sad.

The book of Job is such a comfort to me. Job was able to say "The LORD gives and the LORD takes away, blessed be the name of the LORD." Right now I am striving to praise God in my grief. He has provided for Skunk so that she doesn't have to be as miserable as Bear was. Skunk is happy, smiling and interactive. I am thankful that God has provided a way for my precious girl to be fed, even if it is not my body feeding her. I get cuddles and snuggles from her since she is not reacting (at least all the time) and feeding her from a bottle is not the physical writhing battle that breastfeeding had become.

Lord, I am so thankful that you are Jehovah Jireh, our provider. You are gracious and patient when I am not grateful. You collect my tears, comfort my heart and carry me through the dark valleys.

He Is (sung by Mark Schultz)

He lives
He loves
He’s always with me

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
Through every fear
And every doubt
And every tear I shed
Down every road
I’m not alone
No matter where I am
He is
He was
And He always will be

You alone are God, you alone are my significance and sustenance.

Blessed be the name of the LORD.

Friday, October 09, 2009


I know that I have been posting a lot about crying over not feeding G but my heart just hurts. It truly is a grieving process for me. I have thought since H that if I could just alter my diet and avoid most chemical stuff that I could successfully breastfeed. I make tons of milk but my girls are so sensitive chemically that breastmilk is not the best for them. It pains me so much. I cry multiple times a day and hug G. I cry for the hours that H had to cry and be miserable because we just didn't know. Then I remind myself that He ALONE is God and in control. It is so hard to forgive oneself... and to let go of the illusion of control. God is unwrapping my fingers from a clenched position. I am not in control of anything but my own response to God's gentle teaching and lessons.

Many days I am like an Israelite... wandering, disbelieving, unfaithful. God speaks to me through this verse (among many):

God told the Israelites "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Neocate Baby, Grieving Mum

G has taken to Neocate and is drinking it without complaint. But then again, she can't complain. ;) So far, she is eating much more peacefully and is able to down her bottles. She is only on about 1/2 strength as we are on day 2. She still reacts to things in our environment - stupid mum opening cabinet doors with G in the sling, baking cereal, mowing. But each feeding is not the battle that it had become and I am so thankful. I have been able to eat cereal, chicken, peach and enjoy lunches with Hannah again. Though it does make me sad that G is so sensitive. I am trying to focus on the things God has given me to be thankful for instead of borrowing trouble and worry from tomorrow.

That is all for now from here...

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

My heart hurts so much - the end

Tomorrow G starts her Neocate trial. I have been trying desperately to keep her nursing for weeks. About a week ago, she stopped staying latched on when I was sitting in my rocking chair. So I have been walking and pacing the floor and nursing her. At the end of last week, she started struggling even more. Today, the only feeding that we had that didn't end up with a bottle was tonight while she was asleep. I feel and think that she deserves a Neocate trial to see if she does better with that than breastmilk.

And she was so peaceful tonight. God is so gracious to give me one last precious feeding tonight. And she finished with a sigh and just unlatched, full and asleep. All the feedings today and yesterday, she would unlatch crying and unfulfilled because reflux (or something equally miserable) dictates that she cannot stay latched on. She can half nurse a bottle and it doesn't require nearly the effort and she doesn't even have to truly latch to the bottle to get sustenance.

I have been dreading this for weeks and have fought with every fiber of my being to keep breastfeeding her. I have reached my end several times in these weeks and God has provided ways to keep her feeding - walking, feeding sleepy. But I really feel that the time has come since she cannot stay latched on to me. I think that if I am going to pump and feed her that she deserves a trial of Neocate and thus, we will start tomorrow.

But my heart aches and cries out to feed my baby... God, please help me to let go and allow you alone to provide for G. God, please provide sustenance for my soul and comfort for my wounded heart. Please, please be here for me and listen to the cry of my heart. Collect the hot tears rolling down my face and use this for your glory and your gain...

Friday, October 02, 2009

The Daily Struggle

Somehow my little girl knows when I need her to get up and eat... I am supposed to go to work this afternoon. G has slept longer than 45 minutes for the first time in 2.5 days. How does she know that I needed her to wake up and eat on time?

Nana came this week for a couple days and we had a nice visit. It is sad to me that she has to sleep on the couch even though we have a spare room. But the spare room is filled with paper and boxes and even just opening and closing the door will make G sick. Much less if Nana slept in there and then held G. This chemical sensitivity crap really stinks.