Thursday, August 27, 2009

Convicting

God promises that his word will never return void... I am having a wadded, upset, frustrated morning. So, I am making Hannah's worksheet for school, including her copy work. And what does God lead me to but Psalm 23...

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside the still waters, HE RESTORES MY SOUL. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name sake. Psalm 23:1-3

I needed to hear those words from my shepherd this morning. G continues to struggle along. Our neighbors have all mowed in the last 2 days, I keep making mistakes and causing G misery and H is frustrated with our lack of ability to do anything. But God promises that he can restore my soul. Even when my life is stormy and yucky, he leads me beside the still waters and I do not *want* for anything. *tears*

This Casting Crowns song brings me to tears every time. It is so much my life the last seven years. God brings the rain in my life to bear fruit but it hurts so much to be worked on by God. But he never, ever leaves me!

I will praise you in this Storm

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

AMEN!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Baseline

Amazing... G is not quite 2 months old and we can see what normal is for her. H never reached normal until about 4 years of age! I am not saying that I have a normal baby or that she doesn't react to many, many things. But I have times that she is happy, smiling and sleeping. Granted, she reacts more than she is normal right now. Praise God that G can be happy and smile-y! It also makes those days that she is miserable difficult as I know what she should be like. But I am so counting my blessings that she is more healthy than H ever was at this age.

On that note, I tried brown rice this morning (I ate it, not G) and we will see what happens. My diet is so so limited that I need to do something about it. But it is hard when G reacts when the neighbors mow or T eats smelly chips or I cut open a paper bag of flour... Please God, give us wisdom to know...

(making the verse personal)

Trust in the Lord with all (my) heart and lean not on (my) own understanding. In all (my) ways, acknowledge him and he shall direct (my) paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Giving Thanks

I love to frequent the message boards on www.hyenacart.com I love to cloth diaper my girls from hyenacart. Of course, one doesn't wear diapers anymore. Three mamas in the last 2 months have lost babies - two died in childbirth and one died in utero at 37 weeks. I read those threads and my heart just cries out for these mamas. Even though G screams and cries (like she is doing right now), I do get to hold and feed my baby. These mamas have empty arms that ache. I cannot imagine the pain. As difficult as it is to have my baby scream a fair amount of the day and have her only sleep in my sling while she is upright on me, I have a baby. I am reminded to thank God for the precious blessing of G, even though life has become difficult and painful again.

When H was so sick in 2005, I would listen to "Held" by Natalie Grant and cry rivers of tears. I am crying rivers again, grieving my loss of a "normal" infant. But God is faithful and holds me through it all... I never walk alone and frequently he carries me when I can no longer crawl along.


Held

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

Monday, August 17, 2009

Praise God for Friends

My dear far-away friend Amy sent me a devotional that so applies to my life. This is from Sarah Young's book Jesus Calling...

"COME TO ME when you are weak and weary. Rest snugly in My everlasting arms. I do not despise your weakness, weakness stirs up My compassion-My yearning to help. Accept yourself in your weariness, knowing that I understand how difficult your journey has been.
Do not compare yourself with others, who seem to skip along their life-paths with ease. Their journeys have been different from yours, and I have gifted them with abundant energy. I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My presence. Accept this gift as a sacred treasure: delicate, yet glowing with brilliant Light. Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it."

Scriptures for today :Isaiah 42:3; Isaiah 54:10; Romans 8:26

My friend says "It's hard to think of the complexity of our lives as a gift, isn't it? It hardly seems fair. I don't understand it." And boy, do she and I have complicated lives!

But 5 days ago Sarah Young wrote,

"UNDERSTANDING will never bring you Peace. That's why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Me (your Master)."

I struggle with wanting the understanding and searching for the why. I do it at work, I do it at home with my girls. I want to understand all the why's. God is asking me to trust in him and lean not on my own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5-6) I need to trust moment by moment and not look at this afternoon or tomorrow.

Another scripture that this devo brought to mind is II Corinthians 12:9 - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in (your) weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I need to thank God for my weaknesses because he shows his awesome power in and through me in these times when I am at the end of myself.

Thank you God for your faithfulness and your provision of encouraging friends in my desert!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Lovely Day

Well, we had a lovely day with the new girlie. She slept, she ate, she smiled and flirted. Tonight, something happened and the happy girl is gone. She is back to arm waving, fussing, not sleeping, not latching on to feed and is spitting up. It is so hard to have my happy girl just disappear and not know why. But at least she is happy sometimes. It was so wonderful to have her sleep and play today. Of course, I can't go a whole day without messing it up and causing her difficulty at least once.

Sure hope we sleep tonight somehow.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

So frustrating

Yesterday during the day was a dream. G slept, she was happy and smiley though she struggled to eat. She basically cried all evening though. Today is the opposite. Starting early, she has been fussy, startles easily, lots of arm waving and basically no napping. She slept for 45 minutes all morning and just finished a very fitful nap on me this afternoon of 1.5 hours. She is crying in her bed as she was screaming and wiggling on me while I was walking the floor with her. I can't change my diet (such that it is) or broaden it out as she never gets stable enough for me to try anything. I don't want to wean her to Neocate but emotionally and physically I can't take a whole lot more. I have used the pump twice today as she is struggling to eat and I want to keep up my supply just in case I have to pump and feed her EBM. This just is so difficult. I have cried and prayed today again. God has me prostrate on my face before his throne again, this time for G. H is struggling with behavior today as I am again walking the floor and not able to play or give her much attention. Something has to give. I am trying to rest in the knowledge that God has a plan for us and I have to let go of the illusion of control - not much illusion left, let me tell you. I can't even help my youngest daughter to be happy at 6 weeks of age. I feel like a failure as a mother.

*tears of sorrow*

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The girl can't sleep

It is 1205am and the new girl can't sleep. She is struggling so much. We had a good day with naps and some decent feeding. Then had a chemical issue tonight and she can't sleep. I expect that we will be up until about 2am. We got up at 620 this morning and I am just bushed. I spent the nap times today playing, pretending and snuggling with H. We even had a thunderstorm this afternoon and H and I went outside to see the rain. H tripped and fell and scraped up her hands, knee and her hip. She had a dress on and since she was running, the dress flew up and her right hip got scraped. Poor girl! Then the crap hit the fan with little one and I am just tired. H and T have gotten in bed and left me with a fussing, refluxing baby. Lovely to be the mom, isn't it?

I also wanted to share the nickname for this little one. We have lots of animal names that we call her so we rolled them all into one and call her "skunky grub hawk" LOL She sounds like a hawk when she is tired and crying, like right now. As a matter of fact, she has worn herself out and I think she is asleep on her quilt. So I am going to lay on the couch and see if I can get some rest.

Hope someone else is getting sleep out there as I sure am not!

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Still Screaming

Sigh... the new girl is a screamer too. *and* she only takes naps in my sling when I am walking and wearing it. So far she is still feeding as well. So she eats, screams and sleeps sometimes. That is my life right now and will be for a good while.

I am ready for it to cool off so we can spend time outside. She is much happier outside but it is just too hot. Only a month and a half and things will cool off! That is just too long to think about with a screaming girl.

My old prayer has returned - Please God make my back strong and my heart merciful to deal with my daughter. *sob*