Whew! This is the first week that I have only worked 2 days in a while. I worked a lot over Christmas, picking up extra hours while T was off. It left me with very little time at home and then we were out of town at Christmas for 3 days.
H still hasn't gotten all of her presents but she doesn't know the difference. She got quite a bit and we all got to spend time with Nana, Pawpaw, Uncle Burt and Miss Tamar. She is used to not getting toys 'cause she can't have new ones. I remember my family just being together at holiday times and I remember *very* few of the presents at those holidays. Kids will remember the important stuff if that is what is taught to them. I want to teach H that Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for what God has blessed us with and Christmas is about God's precious gift to us. NOT about presents and how much does she get this time. Can you tell that I am passionate about this subject? ;)
This weekend as I was working, I just felt like I hit a wall. I am tired of not having any family time. Not sure what to do about this problem as if I don't work as much, T will still want to play that fool game online. One thing about me working is that he has to interact with H. If I am absent, he is the go-to parent. But since Thanksgiving, he has just been waiting until I get home from work and expecting me to cook supper, clean up and keep the food baked. I am about to volunteer to work evenings just to stop dealing with it. I am totally exhausted from getting up at 530a and working like crazy for a 9 hr shift. I just don't have the energy to come home, shower and stand up and cook. But, for H and I to eat, I have to do so.
Also, if I slow down on the working, we don't save as much. But I am truly struggling with God's sufficiency. Can God provide for us? How silly is that? God has truly sustained Hannah and I over the last 5.5 years in big obvious ways and I question his sufficiency? Will I ever learn? I spent our drive to Austin (going to Whole Foods) praying and being teary. After all I have been through in the last 5 years, why can I not trust more fully? I still struggle with trying to humanly arrange our lives. Truly laughable and yet I still continue to do it. I want to let go and trust but then I start with the "well, I will work a little more and save it" thing and it just rolls onward. I work between 90 and 100 hours monthly. T and I never have a day off at the same time. It really is hard and we have basically no family time. I would like to work 3 weekends a month, ultimately.
Another issue that is plaguing me is that we have been trying for 2 years to get pregnant again and a big NOTHING. Just like when we were trying for H. With my chemical issues, I don't want to go back and be injected with radioactive dye (HSG) to get pregnant. But I am almost there again. I really do want to have a baby but the work thing plays into this again. I can't work this much if we are going to have more children. So, it boils down to the fact that I need to trust God and work less. Not sure what to do about the baby thing... will keep praying for now. I just feel that I let T down 'cause I am so lacking in the bearing children catagory. And when I did have one, look how she turned out! A screaming miserable babe for 4 YEARS!!!
Sigh... can you tell that I have been bottling all this up?