Thursday, August 13, 2009

So frustrating

Yesterday during the day was a dream. G slept, she was happy and smiley though she struggled to eat. She basically cried all evening though. Today is the opposite. Starting early, she has been fussy, startles easily, lots of arm waving and basically no napping. She slept for 45 minutes all morning and just finished a very fitful nap on me this afternoon of 1.5 hours. She is crying in her bed as she was screaming and wiggling on me while I was walking the floor with her. I can't change my diet (such that it is) or broaden it out as she never gets stable enough for me to try anything. I don't want to wean her to Neocate but emotionally and physically I can't take a whole lot more. I have used the pump twice today as she is struggling to eat and I want to keep up my supply just in case I have to pump and feed her EBM. This just is so difficult. I have cried and prayed today again. God has me prostrate on my face before his throne again, this time for G. H is struggling with behavior today as I am again walking the floor and not able to play or give her much attention. Something has to give. I am trying to rest in the knowledge that God has a plan for us and I have to let go of the illusion of control - not much illusion left, let me tell you. I can't even help my youngest daughter to be happy at 6 weeks of age. I feel like a failure as a mother.

*tears of sorrow*

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