Tuesday, October 06, 2009

My heart hurts so much - the end

Tomorrow G starts her Neocate trial. I have been trying desperately to keep her nursing for weeks. About a week ago, she stopped staying latched on when I was sitting in my rocking chair. So I have been walking and pacing the floor and nursing her. At the end of last week, she started struggling even more. Today, the only feeding that we had that didn't end up with a bottle was tonight while she was asleep. I feel and think that she deserves a Neocate trial to see if she does better with that than breastmilk.

And she was so peaceful tonight. God is so gracious to give me one last precious feeding tonight. And she finished with a sigh and just unlatched, full and asleep. All the feedings today and yesterday, she would unlatch crying and unfulfilled because reflux (or something equally miserable) dictates that she cannot stay latched on. She can half nurse a bottle and it doesn't require nearly the effort and she doesn't even have to truly latch to the bottle to get sustenance.

I have been dreading this for weeks and have fought with every fiber of my being to keep breastfeeding her. I have reached my end several times in these weeks and God has provided ways to keep her feeding - walking, feeding sleepy. But I really feel that the time has come since she cannot stay latched on to me. I think that if I am going to pump and feed her that she deserves a trial of Neocate and thus, we will start tomorrow.

But my heart aches and cries out to feed my baby... God, please help me to let go and allow you alone to provide for G. God, please provide sustenance for my soul and comfort for my wounded heart. Please, please be here for me and listen to the cry of my heart. Collect the hot tears rolling down my face and use this for your glory and your gain...

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