Friday, October 09, 2009


I know that I have been posting a lot about crying over not feeding G but my heart just hurts. It truly is a grieving process for me. I have thought since H that if I could just alter my diet and avoid most chemical stuff that I could successfully breastfeed. I make tons of milk but my girls are so sensitive chemically that breastmilk is not the best for them. It pains me so much. I cry multiple times a day and hug G. I cry for the hours that H had to cry and be miserable because we just didn't know. Then I remind myself that He ALONE is God and in control. It is so hard to forgive oneself... and to let go of the illusion of control. God is unwrapping my fingers from a clenched position. I am not in control of anything but my own response to God's gentle teaching and lessons.

Many days I am like an Israelite... wandering, disbelieving, unfaithful. God speaks to me through this verse (among many):

God told the Israelites "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

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