Sunday, October 11, 2009

Still Grieving

I have been crying again today. I am limiting my milk making and I cry every time I use my breastpump. My heart is crying today with the rain. I fed G (Skunk) at 10am and for some reason, my body decided that my milk wanted to let down as well. It is such a sad feeling. I will never again have the sweet primal pleasure of feeding one of my babies. *tears falling* I remember struggling so much when I weaned H (Bear) as well. Somehow feeding my girls should mean breastfeeding them and that is not what is best for my girls. And it makes my heart sad.

The book of Job is such a comfort to me. Job was able to say "The LORD gives and the LORD takes away, blessed be the name of the LORD." Right now I am striving to praise God in my grief. He has provided for Skunk so that she doesn't have to be as miserable as Bear was. Skunk is happy, smiling and interactive. I am thankful that God has provided a way for my precious girl to be fed, even if it is not my body feeding her. I get cuddles and snuggles from her since she is not reacting (at least all the time) and feeding her from a bottle is not the physical writhing battle that breastfeeding had become.

Lord, I am so thankful that you are Jehovah Jireh, our provider. You are gracious and patient when I am not grateful. You collect my tears, comfort my heart and carry me through the dark valleys.

He Is (sung by Mark Schultz)

He lives
He loves
He’s always with me

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
Through every fear
And every doubt
And every tear I shed
Down every road
I’m not alone
No matter where I am
He is
He was
And He always will be

You alone are God, you alone are my significance and sustenance.

Blessed be the name of the LORD.

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